Doctors.
I'm not scared of them, I just tend not to trust them.

As a young lad I had Pneumonia... Badly.
The doctor told my dad that I had to be examined, and he demanded a urine sample.

I had NO idea what that was... the white-coated git then stood me on the table and yanked my trousers down, turned around and then turned back to me holding a beaker.

Now... my father had been quite clear about this point. "If anyone tries to make you do things you don't want, and if they ever try to take your clothes off or play with your willy, hit them and run away as fast as you can... and make LOTS of noise."

It took 3 nurses to pin me down.

With the sound of my screams trailing behind me in my wake, and a sonic shock-wave in front of me I had made it a good 150 meters down a long long corridor.

My dad who'd been waiting outside the exam room finally caught up as the nurses explained that all was ok... and at full volume I explained that "The man tried to touch my willy"... Just as the Doctor turned up holding a blood stained cloth to his nose.

... My dad HAD been quite clear: Hit and run.

The made the mistake of swearing at me... and to this day I've never seen my dad so horribly angry. He didn't raise his voice or a hand.. he was cool and calm, but the atmosphere was ice cold and electric.

Since that day I've mistrusted doctors who see humans as machines that need to be processed.

***************************

The Hannah incident
Forward wind to University, Year 1.
Hannah was my first serious girlfriend. We used to stay up all night and screw like bunnies. early on in our relationship she said "erm.. I've got Chlamydia, and you need to go get checked: I've made an appointment for you"

The words struck fear into my soul. Doctor, Winkie, pokey-pokey: No F'kin Way!!!

We went there to talk to them.. got directed to the "Health advisor" who's job it was to alay the fears of the patients, and explained my doctor-winkie-mistrust issue. I simply wanted to know what the test entailed, and wanted to make sure there'd be no surprises.

"Don't worry Humpty, the test simply involves wiping the tip of your penis with a swab"
Oh right, then I can do it and hand the swab to you?
No, It has to be done by a professional.
?? I don't want to brag, but when it comes to touching MY winkie, I'm *the* pro.
Well, I'm sorry, but that's the way it is.....

This went on for a bit, I got accused of being irresponsible "It's more than you you know, you could infect other people"
Bear in mind that I was told this infront of my girlfriend... neither of us were too chuffed.

Roll on the day of the test.

I know doctors use big words and sometimes it's hard to understand them all, but I never expected "simply wipe the end of your penis" to actually mean "Shove 3 different tools up your trouser-snake's only eye and twizzle them around until you bleed"

The last one - oh what a laugh - was a ring on a stick, resembling the aerial on Po's head (tellytwat) with sharp little edges froma worn mould: That went in at least 40mm.

I expressed surprise, and explained that the "health advisor" had said that this was a simple "wipe the tip" operation. The lovely matriarch who was administering the twizzle-stick torture said "Strange, she does this test on Wednesdays"

I saw red.

I nipped in to the "Advisor's" office and asked her why she lied to me....

"I thought it was for the best, otherwise you wouldn't have done the test"

Hang on a tick... my issues were with TRUST and NOT being surprised. How in the blue blazes did you think that actively LYING to me and ensuring that I got a nasty surprise was going to HELP?

Following the advice of the lady who'd poked at me, I wrote a letter of complaint.


Result 1: I had a clean-winkie bill of health: but I did have chlamydia in my eye. Hooray for rubber... and spending hour after enjoyable eating mimsies until they froth...

Result 2: When I went back to get my results, she'd been fired.



Damn... that turned into a rant. I'm sorry...
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 11 Apr 2008, 13:36, 3 replies)

Why did I guess...
...that was one of yours before I got to the end of the post?

Much smirkness.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 11 Apr 2008, 13:44, closed)

Grim and gruesome
but still clickable
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 11 Apr 2008, 14:04, closed)

Parental advice
I just posted this in the wrong place, whoops.

Anyway, I followed my mothers advice once, and it didn't exactly do me any good.

When I first started getting bullied at primary school, my mother simply told me to punch the bullies in the face, and they'd never bother me again. She hadn't grasped the fact that the bullying was verbal/mental, not physical.

So, one day a boy calls me names. So I twat him in the face and break his nose, which results in a huge bollocking from the teachers. Bugger.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 15:23, closed)