Spider Wars
It was a night in late summer, the time of year when the little bastards come crawling out of the woodwork and take over the house.

I apologise for length, but a battle this epic needs to be told properly.

I was staying at my parent's house for some reason or other, and in my old, and relatively small bedroom.

Round 1

It began when I was sitting in bed, watching the TV (situated at the foot of my bed under some shelves) just generally getting ready to go to sleep. something black and BIG runs past my ear across the wall. I leap up screaming like a 6 year old. called by my screams, dad gets rid of it.

Spider - 0
Me - large dent to my dignity so also 0

Round 2

Settled down again, TV on, wall checked, under the bed checked. Sorted.
next to the TV, something catches my eye.
its dangling in mid air, swimming towards the TV and suspended from the shelves. you guessed it, another one. Smaller, and lacking in the element of surprise, I decide that I can get ridof it on my own, I am 21 after all. Cunningly, I decide that I am unable to touch it even with tissue as it is on a web and therefore in danger of falling onto the table below. next best thing, a can of impullse body spray. this stuff makes me cough, spider would be gassed and gone in a second. it would fall, but it would be dead!
10 second sustained spraying sends the spider plummeting, stiffly to the floor where, unfortunately I am unable tofind it. but at least its a dead spider and I can find it in the morning. its getting on to 1am at this point, and I really should sleep.

Spider - 0
Me - 1

Round 3

Turned off the light, feeling a little gassed myself from the spraying. the hairs on the back of my neck prick up. I turn on the light. there's another one of the little buggers on the ceiling. its at the opposite end of the room and I'm already weary from batle, so I decide that I will turn off the light and it can do what it likes and I will believe that it has gone. I'm 21, I can do mind over matter.

I can't do it

the light comes back on. but I can't find it, its not in the same corner! its in another corner, over where my TV is, at the foot of the bed, and its brought a friend. they sit, perfectly still facing me before one runs towards the head-corner of my room. when I say rin, I mean these buggers have probably been living in my room for a while, me not living there and all, and they have spun a web on the ceiling between all the little bumps in our very 90's plaster. so its half-running, half nearly falling, then the other one comes to join it and they start fighting. over my bed.
very slowly I decide its time to bring out the weapon I've used since I was a child. the feather duster on a stick. I run to get it from downstairs and when I return, I am standing precariously on my bed, poised with the duster ready to dab at the spiders and run to the window. I stand there. I'm still standing there. poised, gaining my courage. after at least 20 mins of staring at the spiders. I decide to stop thinking and do it. Brain disengaged, I dab them onto the duster and shake it out the window with enough gusto to break the duster and for it to fall onto the lawn below. Adrenaline surging, i think to myself, I'll get it in the morning and its time to sleep. job well donw, 4 spiders in a night, what a mad house!

Spiders - 0
Me - 2

Round 4

Not even turned off the light this time. Spider number 2 has rematerialised and is once again spinning his web at the bottom of my bed. the duster is gone. what other spray do I have? Hairspray! at least this will coat it in plastic so it will suffocate! I spray for another 10 seconds and it takes longer to go down this time, perhaps the impulse made it stronger. but it does go down. this time I search for it. but to no avail. I couldn't find it. Deciding I'd had enough, I go back to bed.

Spiders - 1 (for re-incarnation)
Me - 1 (for not killing it first time)

Round 5 (AKA the battle finale)

its 5am at this point and I'm lying in the dark when the hairs on my neck go up again and I know what's there before I turn the light on. I audibly whisper, "you have got to be kidding" as I turn on the light and see 2 more on the ceilling and my little webby friend back to spinning his web. my weapon is on the grass outside who knows if it is full of spiders still or not. I can't go to get it. aerosols don't seem to do anything to these fuckers so what's left?

I got angry

toilet roll in hand I stood on the bed again and crushed bastard number one in the paper. before running the the door and throwing the paper into the landing. bastard number 2 goes in the same way. Webby bastard gets a bit of respect for being so persistant but eventually gets smushed in a tissue and thrown out the door along with his web. by this stage I've already closed the window and put my dressing gown by the crease under the door so they can't get in.

I sleep, safe in my victory and no more spiders came back.

Although I won the battle, I can't help but think that the spiders wer the real victors. I didn't sleep at all that night, broke a feather duster, and lost a substantial chunk of dignity. I believe that I won the battle. but the little monsters win the war.

I also had to explain to my family in the morning why the shards of a feather duster were in the lawn and a load of tissues weer on the landing. they laughed. I was still shell shocked. luckily I left that day.

No Apologies for length. the story needed to be told
(Katzilla Follow Me! @Kat_Zilla (I don't promise funnehs), Mon 14 Apr 2008, 11:31, Reply)