b3ta cured me!
Like Sonic James Doom (see his post further down), I used to hate the idea of anyone hearing me go to the loo. Splashes, farts, rustling of loo paper...anything that could be heard outside of the safety of my cubicle was A Bad Thing.

If I was sitting on the loo and heard someone else come in, I would stop mid-flow (my pelvic floor muscles are second to none!) until they went away again. I'd freeze, sitting there in absolute silence, trying not to breathe too loudly. If I'd started pooing, and someone came in, I'd try to stop it. Sometimes, a bit of poo would fall into the water with an audible "plop" (made louder by the absolute absence of any other sound from me), and I would be absolutely mortified. This went on for years, and could be quite annoying, especially in public loos, or loos where I knew there to be a queue outside.

Then I found b3ta.

It was the "toilet stories" and "shit stories" QOTWs, however, that helped me to get over this. B3ta made me realise that bodily functions should be celebrated, not supressed! We should be proud of our ability to do poos shaped like cocks, pee for over one minute without stopping, or fart the national anthem! B3ta made me realise my true love for all scatalogical humour, and now when I go to the loo (at work, naturally), I choose the most accoustically-enabled cubicle, and wait for a build-up of gas, until I let it all out in one long, rasping aria of farty joy, grinning all the while.* I award myself extra little points if someone else is in the bathroom at the time, or if I can hear giggling coming from the men's loo next door.

I still don't fart or burp in front of my boyfriend though. That would be unladylike.



*This is why I found myself grinning like an absolute mong when I was in Phnom Penh with food poisoning: www.b3ta.com/questions/shitstories2/post135111
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 13:57, 10 replies)

"my pelvic floor muscles are second to none!"
I'd imagine that this pleases Mr BobFossil immensely...
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 14:03, closed)

^^^
*says nothing*


*smirks*
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 14:12, closed)

I must agree with you on this one...
I've loosened up a bit, (no pun intended), on the old bowel movement front and don't worry so much if people hear me. I've also become less worried about getting a dicky stomach when on holiday. Jesus! it can't be any worse than what a lot of you people have been through.
( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 14:14, closed)

Very true!
I was desperate for a poo the other day and had to go in a department store (fortunately I made it to the toilets and didn't simply crouch down in ladies' fashions). Once in the cubicle I reminded myself that now they were all trapped! Ha! They would be at the mercy of my bottom! No more fear of smells and sounds, oh no! Now I am a poo terrorist!

That said, I've always been quite happy to break wind next to children I don't like...rather good fun when I was an infant teacher.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 14:32, closed)

^^^ What?
You mean you actually break wind?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 14 Apr 2008, 14:39, closed)

Erm....
Bugger.

I thought you were working!
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 14:42, closed)

I was...
But I was having a thirty second trump-break.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 14 Apr 2008, 14:45, closed)

Well, get back to it!
Before someone starts to accost you with goats and monkeys. Or cotton wool.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 14:47, closed)

@PJM
I hear from the grapevine that she like to fart on boyfriends legs.

Dirtygirty.
( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 14:55, closed)

That explains it
I was beginning to think the scorch marks were due to sleeping too close to the radiator.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 14 Apr 2008, 15:07, closed)