Could I have been any more subtle?
Back in the days of yore (2005) I was entangled, nay, entrapped in a relationship that had jumped the shark a long time before and had degenerated into the sex-mindgames-pregnancyscare-sex cycle (we've all been there, my favourite bit was the mindgames)

Anyway, I was 17 and this beast* had been dragging on for 2 years by this point. My parents were away for the weekend (well my Mum was, my Dad lived in Ripon so he mattered fuck all.) I decided to have a party. I duly incited the girlf, her friends, my wierd-geeky-hairy-mosher-stoner mates and jenny.

The girlf hated jenny with a passion, due to some wierd female reason (I'd slept with her).

So the party goes as all teenage pishfests go. People get drunk. Two of my mates (Sumo and Phil) decide to steal all of my neighbours solar powered garden lamps and leave me a solar powered message in the back garden. (Also what is the point in solar powered lights? surely if it is bright enough to power them then you dont fucking need them!)

Oh yes, jenny had decided to take a handful of aspirin and drink a bottle of wine. Obviously, I panicked and helped her up to my bedroom and into bed so she didnt vomit or explode or something. All in all that took about an hour. I then finally arrive back at the main party event and catch up with my drinking.

People ask where I've been, so I explain, loudly, with gestures (and sniggering).

Girlf does nothing.

I (accidentally, I swear to you!) call the girlf jenny (twice).

Girlf does nothing.

A bit later jenny appears downstairs again, a bit shaky from the drink but ok. I decide to check her pupils (I'm not sure why, maybe she could have developed superpowers? Or her eyeballs had fallen out) I then give her a hug and, by drunken reflex, kiss her.

Girlf does nothing, but now she looks ANGRY!

I was scared**, really scared. The entire room had turned around to stare so there were no chances no one else had seen.

I stutter profusely and decide to grab some beer and hide in the garden. 5 minutes and 6 beers later i decide to come back in. Everyone is still there and having a good time, even the girlf. I was confused but stoically carried on.

Anyway, the party winds down and people start to leave. Last of all is the girlf, she looks me right in the eye (john wayne stylee) and says...

"Bye"

"Hmm," I start to think, "maybe I imagined the kiss?" Anyway, I begin the post party clean up (I was a bit of an insomniac,) get all the cans together in a bag and take them out to the recycling tub at the end of the graden.

I'm walking back up the garden when WHACK, the girlf steps out of the shadows beside the house and kicks me in the knackers.

"MWAHAHA! NOW CALL ME A TAXI, COCKBITCH!"

So I did.

We eventually broke up a month later over speakerphone at my stepsisters 21st.

Also SHE HAD NO NIPPLES! It was wierd...


*her nickname
**she had her nickname for a reason!
(big king bob Lord of the Ska, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 14:36, 4 replies)

*sigh*
"(Also what is the point in solar powered lights? surely if it is bright enough to power them then you dont fucking need them!)"

They charge in the sun during the day and shine at night, you simp!
(Whiskeyklone, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 18:15, closed)

No shit, sherlock
But if they take 12-14 hours of charging to work for less then 6 hours then there are many ways of doing it more efficiently.

/not worth the time and money spent on them
(big king bob Lord of the Ska, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 3:39, closed)

Where teh feck
were the nips?
And what exactly did you twiddle instead?
(tweebianmonkey Should be known as Widget, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 11:27, closed)