» I hurt my rude bits

Groin injuries (on the whole) are funny...
...mine was not.

And not just because it happened to me.

It was 1988 - Maggie Thatcher was in No. 10, Ronnie Reagan was in the White House and I was in St James' Hostpital, Leeds.



The story begins...

I was a young lad of five whole years and a few months of age, playing on the fields of St Nicholas' School as were hundreds of other kids - so far so normal...

Then some older kids started climbing the football goalposts, clambering atop the crossbar and jumping the eightish feet to the ground.

I saw this and thought "Hey, that looks cool. I can do that too!" (And you may now be thinking "How is this leading to a gooly-region injury? Surely he didn't land on his nuts!" Read on...)

So, I climbed up the goalpost - I was always a good tree-climber as a kid...

And then I balanced myself, standing precariously on the crossbar. And then I looked down... And thought (the innocent five-year-old version of) "Well, FUCK this! If I jump, I'll hurt myself".

So, there I am - a five-year-old nipper stood on top of a footy crossbar, needing to get down but too sissy jump. So I decided to go back the way I came - down the post.

Now, the thing about football goals is that when they are in full use the have nets attached to them to stop the ball, 'k? These posts were not in full use at this time. But the nets need to be attached somehow when they are. For this purpose hooks are used, sticking out of the back. Metal posts, metal hooks.

I slid down the back of the post like a fireman's pole. When you do this your meat-and-two-veg are pressed up against said pole. And my particular pole had metal hooks.

One of the lower hooks ripped into my hairless prepubescent scrotum with all the force of my young weight. I was left screaming in agony, in gushes of blood, hanging by my bollocks for a very long time...

The aftermath? I got eight stitches on my nutsack (and a free, unnecessary circumcision I've never quite forgiven my 'rents for agreeing to), a large L-shaped scar on my scrotum which only faded at age 21 or so, a long stay off school and a story I tell usually only people when I'm drunk.
(Fri 14th Jul 2006, 18:35, More)

» Heckles

Not a heckle as such but...
In my oh-so-hated GCSE years I found myself with a total cow of a Food Technology teacher (it seemed easier than 'Resistant Materials' - i.e. wood/plastic/metalwork - and less gay that doing Textiles) she was called Mrs. Cook (what are the odds, huh?). Total bitch-soup with croutons, trust me.

And so after doing no coursework and revision we got to the mock exam... I asked if I could be excused doing it as I knew I'd already failed and didn't care even slightly so it was all a waste of my time. This just annoyed my teacher even more...

So I sat the exam... I refused to compare various types of food on political grounds ("I cannot answer this question. I am a communist and believe all breads are equal!" etc etc).

I answered questions on various methods of ready-meal production with various equations half-remembered from maths and physics lessons and filled a whole page with "I am a fish, I am a fish, I am a fish" in tribute to Rimmer's speed-fuelled attempt at an officer's exam in Red Dwarf...

I very quickly got further aquainted with my head-of-year and my headmaster.

In my college years I was so proud to be told by some passing kids, from years below me at the same school, about 'this guy' who filled an exampaper with 'I am a Fish'. I'm glad I had friends with me or they'd have never believed *I* was that legend...

If anyone lives in or near Scunthorpe - may (a) god have mercy on your soul... And do NOT send your kids to St. Bedes. You have been warned...
(Wed 12th Apr 2006, 21:16, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

On a wall in Scunthorpe for a very long time while I was young...
"I Love KP, She's Nuts."
(Thu 3rd May 2007, 19:55, More)

» Rock and Roll Stories

Sorry Malchick...
But someone already did the Wayne's World 2 joke.
(Sat 1st Jul 2006, 19:41, More)

» Rock and Roll Stories

Roskilde 2000
Went to see the mighty Pearl Jam play. When I got there there was a huge fucking crowd! I turned to my mates and said 'Sod this! Let's push near the front'. And that's just what we did, I think some people got hurt a little and they made such a fuss PJ didn't even play their whole set!

Bloody crybabies! How fragile were they!?!?
(Fri 30th Jun 2006, 13:16, More)