Abandon Ship....
NYE 2005 and I was at the party of my then squeeze. Twas a fancy dress party to which I deigned to go as a pirate (ARRRRH). The squeeze was dressed as Penfold, although I often muse as to whether a costume was strictly necessary as the resemblance he bore to Penfold was uncanny.

Anyway, for a little while now I had suspected that his attentions weren't entirely focused on me and this was something of a problem which needed addressing, but perhaps not on NYE....

The night started quite well, the beer and wine was flowing, people dancing and I was well on the way to feeling quite merry, that is until I got involved with a small bottle of Smirnoff vodka, going from merry to scuttered in about 20 mins.

I felt great, invincible even, dancing, flirting, spanking Che Guevara with my cutlass, then I went a bit too far...Snatching a bottle of champagne from his parents and swigging like a true pirate (YARRRRRR).

Penfold saw fit to tell me off for my behaviour and in hindsight was well within his rights, sadly this was like a red rag to a bull, or a mutiny on the bounty. I stomped upstairs to his bedroom and sat sulking on the bed in the dark...A strange glow emanated from the bedside table....It was his phone, I was powerless to stop myself, I looked (I'm ashamed) I can't believe I did it BUT I was right he HAD been focusing his attentions elsewhere.

Right then the red mists descended, I stood up, slowly walked downstairs sweetly asked him to come outside because I had something to say to him...We stepped outside the front door and into his garden, he removed his Penfold head and tucked it under his arm and between gritted teeth I told him that I knew he'd been seeing someone else, which he denied. Then This happened:

I, GirlOfTheWorld, drew my (plastic) cutlass and punctuated every word of the following with a blow to the head.

"DO. NOT. FUCKING. LIE. TO. ME. YOU. PATHETIC. LITTLE. CUNT. HOW. FUCKING. DARE. YOU."

If my friends, a woodland fairy and Magda from The Rocky Horror Show hadn't come out and stopped me, I think he would have been in the ground like a giant, furry, unfaithful tent peg.

Length? I was scorned so it was tiny of course.
(GirlOfTheWorld, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 14:51, 7 replies)

More agression needed in these answers!
:D
( TY&GN, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 14:56, closed)

I forgot
It worked a treat!! Although the shame still makes me want to hide my face....
(GirlOfTheWorld, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 14:59, closed)

I don't like this.
I love it and want its children. More pirates in the QOTW please! And more cutlasses.
( Maladicta, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 15:19, closed)

A pirate hitting Penfold with a sword?
You may have just completed my life!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 15:49, closed)

!
Your ex is Howard from the Halifax adverts AICMFP.
(clumsyeloquence is a girl, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 17:32, closed)

Phwoar
I'd like to give you an angry pirate.
(WarneMarsh My priority for frivolity begets quality jollity, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 20:50, closed)

I don't know who you are
but you made me giggle so hard I choked on a jelly baby.

I love you.
( Wicca'd Witch needs ideas for a new sig on..., Thu 5 Jun 2008, 21:15, closed)