Cling-ons and winnits
I have had more cling-on girlfriends than a filthy sheep’s nipsy has clagnuts* so here are some of the lengths I have had go to with different girls.

- Moved to Hong Kong. This involved me taking a job secretly and telling everyone but her. She dragged me shopping days before I went and wondered why I bought a book on learning Cantonese in Foyles. “It’s so I can get a discount in my local Chinese.” Even when I went she still didn’t quite get it and kept on emailing me saying she was coming to visit. In the end I had to invent SARS to prevent her from coming.**

- Pretending to worship the devil. I was with this Canadian chick and after a few months she came clean that she was a member of the church of jesus christ of latter day saints. She started to really freak me out by sending me ‘anonymous’ texts from Jesus saying he was watching me from Salt Lake City when I was out with my friend. I got a henna tattoo of an upside down cross on my neck and wore red contacts to drive her away. This was only partially successful as she started to get turned on by the perverseness of it so I moved apartment.

- Acting gay. With one girl in university who clung on so strong that I had to use a claw hammer in the mornings (to remove her sticky paws, not that!). I started going to gay clubs when she was with me and make suggestive comments about boys. She actually ended up in a long term relationship with another woman so that made me feel good.

- Faking herpes. Speaks for itself really.

- Dying my hair ginger. Again, self explanatory.

- Started smoking. She really hated smoking and I wouldn’t stop and even smoked in bed coughing like a tickled tramp.

There are more but I will post later.

*may additionally include winnits.
**may or may not be true.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 16:49, Reply)