Also, I suppose this counts....
I suppose I never got dumped technically, but I still had to try damned hard to escape.

A few months back, I went to a race night at my local. For those that don't know, this is basically a night where you bet on horse races (either shown on the big screen or, once, performed by us ourselves using wooden horses, which was by far the best race night I've ever been to!) to raise funds for whatever the race night's for. Anyway...... afterwards, I toddled up to another pub and on walking in the door, found myself suddenly being spoken to by a lady who had been at the race night too.

Now. I'm quite a shy feller around ladies, but it turned out she had known a cousin of mine who died, and sort of knew a fair bit about me and my life, for some reason. I was a bit well oiled and I chatted away with her for a while before I noticed the wee probes.... have I got a girlfriend, stuff like that.

Now, I was really quite drunk. You know that way you only remember certain things? Well, I can't remember for the life of me what her name was but I remember she had lovely eyes. Awwwww. Unfortunately, I also remember she had a huge arse. But I was drunk and I had been single for ages, so when she followed me outside there was.... erm.... a brief few minutes of grappling.

She then tried to drag me off round the back of the pub, very publicly, to the great amusement of my mates. Well, that's just not really me, you know.... especially as my relatives were closing up the pub at the time and my mates were all baying at me and shouting stuff like "Gooooo Onnnnn! Gerrin!". I declined and suggested we go on to my mates house for a drink. She then proceeded to, for want of a better word, beg. I am not used to this at all, but it sort of put me off even more. She wouldn't come with me to my mates house, and apparently her friend wouldn't let me into her house. Her friends started to wander off, and so did mine..... still glancing back occasionally and shouting "gerrinthere!". She just kept saying "pleeeeease, come on... pleeeease" and wouldn't let me leave so I had to do something.

I put on the most dazzling display of acting I could conjour up at the time. I should have earned a BAFTA at least. She had told me she knew I'd been married, so I started to talk about how hurt I was. I actually used the phrase "damaged goods". I called up all the cheesy lines from every soap I could think of, I was looking at my shoes the whole time and I think I even pulled off looking as though I was going to cry..... by that point my mates were out of sight and I just wanted to catch them.

"All right" she said "give me one more kiss and I'll let you go". Let me go! I had no idea I was a hostage, but the terms were reasonable so there was another brief grapple before I trotted off. She asked if she could see me again as I toddled off down the road and I said "course you can. You know where I live don't you?" She said no.

"Aw well. I'm sure I'll see you around. You live here don't you?" I knew she didn't she lives a few miles away, she had told me.

"no"

"Awwww. See ya then." I even waved.

It wasn't until my mates pointed it out to me that I had talked myself out of a definite bonk that I felt a bit of a twat, but she was freaking me out. Besides.... I don't think I'd have lived it down if I'd been beasting away and my uncle John had come out the rear door....

I wish I wasn't so sensible all the fucking time.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 2:29, 2 replies)

Yeah right.
Your such a gentleman.
( girlinthehole, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 8:54, closed)

Hmm
"I don't think I'd have lived it down if I'd been beasting away and my uncle John had come out the rear door.... "

There is a significant euphemism in there somewhere...
(stubbledchin, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 9:43, closed)