Jemima
I met this one bird last year just passing through the town. I remember it like it was yesterday - I'd just walked over the bridge, and my fucking shopping bag ripped. I'd only gone out for a loaf of bread, a few pints of milk, some butter and some cheese. It went everywhere, the bread bag ripping (it was one of those paper ones from the bakers - I'd just chucked it in the bag with the other stuff for the supermarket), smearing gravel up what was going to be part of my tea. Anyway, she just sort of crept up slowly and nudged it towards me. I smiled at her, got up, pulled my stuff together, had a bit of a chat with her, y'know, gave her my name and stuff, and went off.

Over the next few weeks, we began to see each other more often. She was really shy at first, but over time she got more adventurous. We decided to meet up every day, so I'd come and meet her at the bridge, we'd have a chat, maybe sit down on the bench and have a sandwich together (I always brought one and she shared with me). Throughout our chats, I discovered her name was Jemima. She was a real lover of nature - one day when she was a kid, she just got adventurous and started going out on long walks, and now, years later, she was out all the time. She was exceptionally fit, and fittingly, was a shade of brown all the time.

As the months moved by, we grew a lot closer, but the oddities started to come out. She wouldn't eat many things, and it took a lot of coaxing into getting her to try new stuff. For example, a lot of meats she simply hadn't tried for some reason beyond me, but she got into it eventually. I also started to notice she always seemed to wear these orange shoes. At first I didn't pay much attention to it, but come rain or shine, she always wore those shoes. It suited her, I'll admit, but orange? That's a bit crazy.

Anyway, here's where it ties together. Because, after meeting up with her everyday for about 4 months, nothing really happened. I dropped hint after hint after hint that I wanted to be with her, paying her compliments, sheltering her when it rained, she didn't seem to get the message. Finally, I confronted her about it, and got told she sort of liked me, but wasn't what she'd normally go for! So, what did I do? Like any man looking for some action from some fit bird, I told her I'd change.

And I did. I started doing all these mad things to get her to like me. I started to dress like her, in browns and blacks. I started wearing nutty orange shoes. I started hanging out with her a lot more, mimicking her with my body language to get her to notice me. I even painted my head green, because she said she liked that kind of thing! She got me to do crazy stuff, like go asking people for food, yelling at kids that came past, pissing around in the lake we used to sit by. Fucking hell, I was absolutely mental to be doing all this stuff for her, I could've got arrested. But then it finally all paid off after 5 months of knowing her!

And there was another bonus to the story, too! I finally understand what people mean when they say 'as tight as a duck's arse' now.
(ratthingbazzterd, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 23:00, Reply)