» Housemates from hell

Brian
His name was Brian. We lived together for a brief period, and as everything does, it starts out alright. Newly moved in, both of us were elated for the first couple of weeks, until it settled down and became the norm.

But then the truth started to come out. This would've fit in the last QOTW: He never brushed his teeth, and his breath smelt horrible. I tried to get him to eat foods that might ease up the smell but nothing worked. And then after a few more weeks I'd go into his room and find what looked like shit - yes, SHIT - smeared on the carpet. He would leave crumbs and mess all over the floor, and raid the fridge when I was out and eat the food I'd bought for myself. And I'll never forget the day I walked in to find himself trying to give himself a blowjob - talk about scarred for life!

One night he brought some bitch home who must've got fucked off at Brian, cos she just wrecked the place. Stuff all over the floor, shouting her mouth off at him. Eventually I stepped in and tried to throw her out, only to be attacked by her.

It all ended in tears when he attacked me one morning and sent me toppling over and I nearly broke my leg. So I took him to the vet to be put down.

Cunting dog.
(Thu 5th Apr 2007, 19:08, More)

» We have to talk

Kristin
I remember the first time one of my ex-girlfriends sprung the "We need to talk" line. You know that feeling guys? It's going well and you just shit yourself. Did she find out about your bit on the side? Did she find your porn stash? Did she see the light on the camera you set up last week to film yourself bumming her? Your thoughts go about 100 miles per hour, wondering what the fuck she's gonna say.

"What is it?" I ask sweetly, trying to mask the 'Oh fucks!' thoughts in my mind.

"I've seen you."

This line annoys me. 'I've seen you.' Have you? Really? So you're not fucking blind? Obviously I didn't say that - "What do you mean?"

"With Kristin."

Oh shit. The moment she says that, you're beginning to wonder to what extent she's seen you. Has she seen you flirting with her? Has she seen you having a look at her arse? Has she seen you hugging her a bit too closely? Has she seen you fucking the senses out of her? You could go with 'What did you see?', but that's suspicious. Instead I asked "Whatever do you mean?", perhaps too strained.

"On your phone."

Shit. The video!

"That video you took of you boning her while you were pissed a couple of weeks ago! Don't think I haven't seen it you deceitful fuck!"

I can't work my way out of this one, can I?

"Baby ..." I start, but as is the case, I'm cut off.

"Don't 'baby' me! I know the way everyone looks at her! With such affection! She's so likeable! I know how you think she's fit! I've seen you watching her arse, knowing how high it is!"

I'm lost for words. But that doesn't matter, because this teary wreck is still going!

"You want me to have an arse like hers? It's not even that nice, it's just high in the air and she shows it off! That's what you like, isn't it!" She's grabbing her arse now, pulling it up. "You like that, do you!?"

Oh dear.

"And you on the video, saying about how you love the shape of her nipples! What the fuck is wrong with mine?" She's got her tits out now, pinching and pulling at her nipples. "Like this? What about this? Do I need my nipples like this!?"

I just stand there, with my mouth hanging. What the fuck would you do?

"You like her black hair do you? You want me to dye mine black? BLACK LIKE YOUR HEART!?" she shrieks, her face red, puffy and wet with salty tears. "I can have black hair! I can be just like Kristin!"

I'm still speechless.

"You were saying that you loved that pussy!" she pulled her trousers and underwear down. The painters are in. It's horrible. "How do you want me to have my pussy? Hairy and horrible? Shaven and well-kept? You wanted me to be flexible and lick myself out?" She bends forward and comes back up, blood all over her mouth and cheeks. "How do you like that, you cunt!?"

"Baby ..." I say, going to place my hand on her shoulder. She just bats it off.

"Don't touch me!" she yells, blubbering. She stops, making those crying sounds you make, then looks up at me and yells again. "I'm leaving! It's over, you disgusting, cat-fucking freak!" She storms out.

I just stood silently, unaware of what to do, before, a few moments later, comes a gentle 'mew' from beside me. I look down to my black cat, who looks back up at me.

"You always make me feel better, Kristin." I say. What a fucking great pussy.
(Fri 20th Apr 2007, 19:21, More)

» The worst sex I ever had

She ruined it
I was thoroughly enjoying myself, but after a while her screams of "Rape! Stop it, I'm your mother! RAPE!" started to phase me and I gave up and had a wank on the cat instead.

Parents, eh? Always ruin everything.
(Fri 15th Jun 2007, 15:39, More)

» Mad Stuff You've Done To Get Someone To Sleep With You

Jemima
I met this one bird last year just passing through the town. I remember it like it was yesterday - I'd just walked over the bridge, and my fucking shopping bag ripped. I'd only gone out for a loaf of bread, a few pints of milk, some butter and some cheese. It went everywhere, the bread bag ripping (it was one of those paper ones from the bakers - I'd just chucked it in the bag with the other stuff for the supermarket), smearing gravel up what was going to be part of my tea. Anyway, she just sort of crept up slowly and nudged it towards me. I smiled at her, got up, pulled my stuff together, had a bit of a chat with her, y'know, gave her my name and stuff, and went off.

Over the next few weeks, we began to see each other more often. She was really shy at first, but over time she got more adventurous. We decided to meet up every day, so I'd come and meet her at the bridge, we'd have a chat, maybe sit down on the bench and have a sandwich together (I always brought one and she shared with me). Throughout our chats, I discovered her name was Jemima. She was a real lover of nature - one day when she was a kid, she just got adventurous and started going out on long walks, and now, years later, she was out all the time. She was exceptionally fit, and fittingly, was a shade of brown all the time.

As the months moved by, we grew a lot closer, but the oddities started to come out. She wouldn't eat many things, and it took a lot of coaxing into getting her to try new stuff. For example, a lot of meats she simply hadn't tried for some reason beyond me, but she got into it eventually. I also started to notice she always seemed to wear these orange shoes. At first I didn't pay much attention to it, but come rain or shine, she always wore those shoes. It suited her, I'll admit, but orange? That's a bit crazy.

Anyway, here's where it ties together. Because, after meeting up with her everyday for about 4 months, nothing really happened. I dropped hint after hint after hint that I wanted to be with her, paying her compliments, sheltering her when it rained, she didn't seem to get the message. Finally, I confronted her about it, and got told she sort of liked me, but wasn't what she'd normally go for! So, what did I do? Like any man looking for some action from some fit bird, I told her I'd change.

And I did. I started doing all these mad things to get her to like me. I started to dress like her, in browns and blacks. I started wearing nutty orange shoes. I started hanging out with her a lot more, mimicking her with my body language to get her to notice me. I even painted my head green, because she said she liked that kind of thing! She got me to do crazy stuff, like go asking people for food, yelling at kids that came past, pissing around in the lake we used to sit by. Fucking hell, I was absolutely mental to be doing all this stuff for her, I could've got arrested. But then it finally all paid off after 5 months of knowing her!

And there was another bonus to the story, too! I finally understand what people mean when they say 'as tight as a duck's arse' now.
(Fri 13th Apr 2007, 23:00, More)

» Family Holidays

You think your holidays have been bad?
Trust me: My most recent was worse.

Signed,
Madeleine McCann
(Thu 2nd Aug 2007, 21:22, More)