Pube shaving
Another corker courtesy of my mate - we'll give him the name Lee as he deserves the credit for these great tales. He spent two years in the force, but had also come through the police cadets as a 16-year-old.

One of the exercises the cadets undertook was to go hiking round Dartmoor - they would all sleep in a big barn over the course of the weekend. A new recruit had joined Lee's group just prior to the trek, and was (as to be expected) the butt of a million and one practical jokes.

However, the sergeant looking after the group took pity on this new guy and gave him a heads-up on the final practical joke - and a chance to steal a march on his piss-taking colleagues. Taking him to one side before the last night of the exercise, the sergeant told him what the cadets did to new recruits on their first hike.

'They'll wait till you are asleep tonight, then surround you and hold you down. They'll pull your pants down and shave your pubes off. It'll itch like buggery on the hike tomorrow, but it's what they do to all new recruits. But I like you, and they've been giving you shit all weekend, so I figured I'd give you the heads up. Would be fucking hilarious if they pull your pants down and you've ALREADY shaved your pubes off...' whispered the sergeant into the n00b's ear.

'Brilliant', thought the lad, before toddling off into the shower with his Gillette Mach 4 and 6 gallons of shaving foam. 'This'll show the bastards!'

The next morning, over the breakfast table, the new boy was a bit puzzled after his night's sleep had gone undisturbed. He spotted the sergeant nipping outside so followed him and asked 'when are they planning to grab me and shave my pubes off, sir?'

'Silly twat, do you think we'd let anyone get away with that level of bullying? That's never happened in the history of the cadets, boy. I was winding you up and you fell for it hook, line and sinker.'

The poor lad slunk back to the breakfast table as word quickly spread he had shaved off his own pubes for no fucking reason whatsoever. At the end of that day's hike, his bollocks were itching and on fire, and at roll call he asked the sergeant for permission to call him a cunt. It was denied.
(Bappage, Fri 6 May 2011, 10:18, 1 reply)

Denied!
Big click for the shaven dick.
(boozehound is drinking your bar dry, Fri 6 May 2011, 10:50, closed)