I have had the usual run of birthday crap from demented relatives,
but if you want truly useless gifts, you need to get married.

I am 37, once divorced, and re-married last year. Despite having lived with Mrs Godstar for 7 years and owning everything we need and then some, we decided to spoil it all and actually wed. (When I say "we", you understand......).

Did a list. A sensible list of affordable items that would actually be used and thus stir fond thoughts of donors. Spoke to all guests individually. Put a reminder with the invites. And the travel directions. Invited those who didn't want to use the list to donate to the charity of our or their choice.

We still received some fucking unbelievable tat. China figurines of hideous ugliness. Several sets of poorly designed glassware that would destroy the flavour and bouquet of any wine (I am a renowned foodie, and have all the glasses I will ever need from working in retail) - including a set of "goblets" that cannot be drunk from as they are square and do not fit the human mouth. Pewter cruet set that rusts at the mere thought of salt. Picture frames - at least they can be recycled as gifts to distant relatives - except the 12" high china ormolu one, which I am keeping to frighten future offspring with. Best of all - the wrought iron THING. We don't know what it is. Nor do the people who gave it - I called them up and asked what the fuck it was supposed to be, and was it something from their recent wedding that they were dumping on us - no, they bought it from a trendy shop thinking it was artistic. It has gone into my mother-in-laws basement and is staying there until the world ends.

I should also make it clear that we live in London, but got married in Ottawa as my wife is half Canadian, half Italian. The iron THING alone weighs more than our combined baggage allowance.

As with most things in life, I draw the conclusion that people mean well, but are daft cunts at heart.
( godstar, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 12:21, Reply)