The year is 2005!
Slightly bonkers rock band System of a Down were playing the SECC in Glasgow, and several of my friends and I had decided to go. I'd been single for the best part of a year by this point, so when I turned up at my friend's house to find two very attractive, revealingly dressed rock chicks were tagging along with us, I allowed my hopes to raise a little off the floor that perhaps it was time I got back in the game (four years later, I can look back and..... well, cry, but that's another story.)

So off we go to the SECC, have a few drinks and go in to see the band. We were quite close to the stage and the gig was excellent, but on of the girls had disappeared, and of course it would have to be the more attractive of the two, wouldn't it. Hang on, thinks I, one of my mates is missing too.... just then, I spotted him coming back, and assumed he had been to the toilet. A few minutes later, the lovely young lady also returned.

It was about twenty minutes later that I noticed they had both disappeared again, and by now it wasn't hard to see that my mate had completely forgotten about his girlfriend who was even now sitting in their house waiting for him to come home. They both came back this time almost simultaneously, but in a sly move to throw us off the scent, they came in different doors. This might have worked but for the fact that the young lady was now without tights and, slightly more hilariously, was wearing her top back to front. We had a good laugh at them and my mate admitted he had just been caught knobbing the young lass to within an inch of her life in one of the curtained-off seated areas by a security guard.

As the night went on, we went to the Cathouse for an after party where, again, the two made themselves scarce.

In the taxi on the way home, we sat aghast as she noisily and quite obviously gave my mate a hand shandy in the FRONT seats of the mini bus.

Once we got home, we went back to my other friend's house, where they immediately sprinted upstairs, into my friend's son's room (who, thankfully, was at a babysitter's) and began the loudest, most frantic session of bonking I have ever had the misfortune to hear. We sat trying to talk over it for a full ten minutes before my mate ran upstairs, hammered on the door and shouted "HOI! I've got fucking neighbours you two, tone it down a bit!"

All in, we worked out they managed five times, which in itself is impressive without the added exertion of a heavy night's drinking and dancing.

The next day, I took him to hospital with a broken knuckle. It turns out, in an effort to impress the lady, he had punched a bus stop (I know, don't ask me). This was just after we left the SECC.

He'd managed to knob her three times with a broken hand.

That's dedication.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 18:43, Reply)