All aboard the Vomit Bus
I used to live in Oxford and they have devised several fiendish ways to stop people using cars and use the (admittedly very good) public transportation. These included; not being able to drive through the city but having to go around in a massive one way street hell taking twice as long, giving you no where at all to park (I think I saw one car park, excluding the train station) and making it much cheaper to use the buses than to run a car.

So out in town one night, I have no recollection where but we ended up in a cocktail bar, and we are all feeling a little worse for wear. As is the way when you are drunk we all craved kebabs. Luckily the kebab van preyed on drunken people and was parked right outside the bar. I thought I would go for some chips, cheese and beans instead (this is, sadly, relevant).

The bus stops were also on the same street (Queen's Street for and Oxford dwellers) and we were heading back to Headington, about a 20 minute trip depending on how many drunk people got on. Food consumed and the bus in view (a No. 7, single storey, for any bus spotters) we jumped on and sat just over half way down.

The next stop is right in the city opposite the University and on got two of the most drunk people I have ever seen. I did, however, originally think there were four people but after debate with my friends we settled on two.

The people that got on, we shall call them Bill and Ben as their conversation made about the same amount of sense (flobberdobberdobber) took a few minutes arguing over how much 10 pence was actually worth with the bus driver before falling over into the nearest seats to the front.

We continue on our merry way, I notice one of my friends was looking slightly pale but she said she wasn't feeling too bad. We started to climb up the hill to Headington. Now this is a pretty steep hill, if you drive an L reg Golf 1.4 you will need to drop down to third to make it, and the buses probably go down to second as the floor shakes and the poor engine strains. Also the footpath is about 18 foot higher than the road so there is no place to stop.

Now, I am unsure if it was the noise or the rocking or purely just the amount Bill had drank but he stood up as we were about half way up and threw up. Spectacularly. The projection was a vomit coloured rainbow of vileness, spraying the windows, the seats, Ben and on hitting the floor started rushing backwards to us. Ben added his own stomach to this whilst the poor driver starts yelling that as soon as we reach the top he is throwing them off. My friend on seeing the river of what looked a lot like spaghetti hoops, lost her stomach as well. Sadly as she was sitting by the window and I was in her way, I found myself looking at half a digested kebab in my lap. Which was then topped with beans.

As the driver stopped at the top of the hill the entire, slightly green looking, passenger load exited in silence. I think I hear the poor driver sobbing quietly as he turned the sign to read "Not in Service" and had to travel a good 40 mins back to the depot in the vomit bus.

That was by far the worst experience in any transport I have had in my life.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 29 May 2008, 17:15, Reply)