Long haul parisitic madness
You know that feeling, when you see a really huge guy getting on a plane and think "I pity the poor sucker he's sitting next to..."

I'd been on a trip to South America. Jolly lovely time I'd had too, full of adventure, pretty girls, the jungle, amazing sights and 'interesting' food. On the way back I'd decided to swing by New York and experience that city too.

So getting on that last long haul flight was sad enough, but then I saw Giant Haystack's long lost cousin get on-board. I was already in a middle seat. To my right was a typically large American, but nice, clean, friendly and careful to lean out a little away from me. I could handle it. As this giant's footsteps rumbled through the plane I kept thinking "please no, not me, anybody but me, I've led a good life, I don't deserve this...."

But no, he stopped alongside our row of seats, looks at the numbers, grunts and sits himself down.

At this point I realised that my shoulder was entirely enveloped by his sweating armpit. My face was right next to it even though I was now pressed hard against the other guy. I did my best to lean away, but in the other direction I had 120Kg of American beef and fat blocking me. I was like a cartoon berry, squeezed between two increasingly warm and moist buttocks.

I actually reached the point of asking a stewardess if there were any other seats but she told me the plane was full. I was going to spend the night in someone's enormously obsese armpit.

To make things worse, every time I stopped moving it felt like someone was jabbing a needle into my back. Hard. That's because a few weeks later I discovered this little fucker had been snacking on me:



Ultimately I gave up, apologised to the guy sweating on me (who just grunted - I don't think he did speaking) and wondered around the plane looking for somewhere I could doss down, eventually finding a broken, barely padded seat that was still managed to provide a more comfy place to spend 7hrs in than my armpit sandwich.

And to think, those airline gits try and charge me for going 5Kg over on my suitcase....

You can read more about my parasite at www.davesgonemental.com/giving-birth-to-a-baby-botfly/ if you enjoy tales of pain, fear and confusion...
(clopinettes, Fri 30 May 2008, 9:46, Reply)