My Mate Lincoln
First let me tell you about Lincoln. He is a six foot seven, thin as you like black guy with the scariest bulging eyes you will ever encounter. When Lincoln would talk to you he would get within an inch of your nose and look directly at you while talking extremely loudly. Never actually giving a thought for what you were saying he would go off on random tangents about the possibility of Smurfs being higher beings and how chicken and chip shops and fronts for Peado rings. Sexually and socially inappropriate comments were also his forte. Got the Picture.... good, lets continue with the story.

So one sunny morning, Lincoln bowls into work with a smile that is not familiar to him at half six in the morning. He would usually kick something as hard as he can and shout random abuse but this morning his cheery disposition and shit-eating grin seems slightly scary. With a due sense of dread and curiosity I ask him why he is so happy (I was expecting him to say something along the lines of that he had just fire bombed a Macdonald's).

He goes onto to retort a rather strange experience on the bus that morning involving a young lady. Lincoln told me he jumped on the bus as usual; this would probably involve telling many members of the public to fuck off, and took his seat. After a few stops he said that a rather pretty girl got on the bus and sat next to him, not only did this surprise him because there were plenty of seats available (and me cause he always has a look that suggest serial killer) but also said hello if not quite loudly. This must have excited Lincoln cause not only was she pretty, she sat next to him and was on his space invading ear drum busting level. He went on to tell me that she was not very talkative but nodded responsively to his general ranting and wild hand gestures.

So knowing his stop was coming up soon he said he tried to get her number. After several minutes of this girl simply nodding her head to his vain attempts at getting her number Lincoln gets out his own phone and started to wildly tap his phone. The now probably very frightened, the girl gets out her phone and hands it over to Lincoln. He told me he rang his own phone on her phone to get her number and then gave it back and then said his goodbyes and got off at the next stop.

Still busting with happiness he told me that he was going to ring her later after work. But being the picky twat that he can be he said she had these funny skin coloured headphones in both ears and never took them out while talking to him.

Oh dear Lincoln... I think you may have given a poor deaf girl the scariest bus journey of her life.

If you were that deaf girl back in the summer of 1999 and came across this nutter you have my sympathies. You must have been petrified.

Length- Suck it, Fuck it and Love it.
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Fri 30 May 2008, 12:38, Reply)