The first Mr Quar felt my wrath in my first labour
We were left alone, just him, me and the contraction monitor, which bit of obstetrical kit fascinated him.

At one point I was lying on the bed and he was sitting on it with his back to me, staring at the monitor, watching the powerful contractions build up.

He warned me, 'Oooh! Here's one! And it's a BIG one!' and yes, it was, and at the height of it I started to feel that *pushing* thing. The baby was coming, he had the call bell in his hand, and he wasn't taking any notice of me, just the monitor.

I clung to the gas mask and frantically nudged him in the back with a knee to get his attention, and he said, never taking his eyes off the machine, 'If you need to kick me a bit that's OK, oooh, here's another BIGGIE!'

This went on for a while until the baby was nearly hanging out. I eventually drew back a foot and booted him as hard as I could, nearly knocking him off the bed, and as he turned to me in pain and puzzlement I yelled 'It's COMING! GET THE MIDWIFE!' and clamped the mask back on.

He finally got the point and pressed the bell, and Junior made her appearance in minutes.

He was never forgiven either.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 19:47, Reply)