Scherzo con brio
The relationship between conductor and orchestral musician is chilly at best.

Scene - rehearsal for a 'new' piece; lots of near-unplayable writing by the composer - awkward twiddly bits in strange time signatures, in all registers. Musicians' patiences are straining.

The conductor is not quite happy with the clarinet interpretation of a rather prominent and difficult phrase.

"Yes, ah, 1st clarinet, would you mind putting a tad more emphasis on the high note 3 before 23?"

"I already am..."

"Yes, but more like tum te tum dadadada da da da da diddlediddlediddlediddlediddle...ta TEEEEEEE... pom pom pom, ba bum."

"So you want 'tum te tum dadadada da da da da diddlediddlediddlediddlediddle...ta teeeeeee... pom pom pom, ba bum."

"Well, more like 'tum te tum dadadada da da da da diddlediddlediddlediddlediddle...ta TEEEEEEE... pom pom pom, ba bum.'"

"Ok, 'tum te tum dadadada da da da da diddlediddlediddlediddlediddle...ta teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... pom pom pom, ba bum.'"

"Almost. More 'tum te tum dadadada da da da da diddlediddlediddlediddlediddle...ta TEEEEEEEEE... pom pom pom, ba bum.'"

"Fine, maestro. We can now both sing it pretty well, but who's going to play it?"

"...... "
(roysin, Tue 29 Nov 2011, 23:00, 7 replies)

Fuck clarinets

(yourmumonastickwithmintsauce, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 0:12, closed)

Haha, classy.
We once had the rather worrying, "This is a very dark piece of music. You can tell because he's given the opening theme to the clarinets. Clarinets, I want black playing to go with your black clarinets and your black souls."
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 0:35, closed)

My old music teacher
Was at a concert where they played a new piece by Peter Maxwell-Davies .He was sat just behind the conductor so he managed to get a good look at the score. He said it looked exactly as if he had just got a sheet of manuscript paper and randomly flicked ink onto it .
(Mackeson_drinker, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 6:35, closed)

Judging by the state of current 'contemporary music'
It really wouldn't shock me if this was the new compositional technique of choice ;)
(darras jeg har en grevling i hodet. Grevling, grevlang, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 7:53, closed)

I know, you can't even understand the words can you?
I'd hardly call this 'current contemporary music'. Take a listen at Webern or Schoenberg: 12 tone is no better.
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 9:07, closed)

To be fair..
twelve tone is positively pleasant compared to the techniques for composition these days. I know a guy who composes based purely on mathematical equations.

I'm not sure if "I know, you can't even understand the words can you?" was supposed to be a jab at me or not? So maybe I don't understand the words (YOUR words). I'd like to point out that I didn't specify which composer I was considering currently contemporary. I was certainly not implying that Maxwell-Davies could be considered as currently cutting edge.. Just to clear that up.
(darras jeg har en grevling i hodet. Grevling, grevlang, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 8:18, closed)

One of the brass bands I played in had a fussy little twit
as MD.

We were playing a piece called 'Carillon', by Sky - not sure of they wrote it though.

The percussionist comes in with a simple little run round the tom-toms. 4 semiquavers, 2 quavers and whack the cymbal. Job done. For some reason this guy had a fetish about exactly the volume this was played at. He kept going back again and again, 'louder' . . 'softer' . . . 'no, not that loud' . . 'nearly, but a bit softer' . . etc.

After maybe 15 minutes of this we were all piss bored. I was so bored, the next time he asked for it louder I turned my sticks round, and using both fat ends together, hit the drums so hard the E flat bass player in front of me fell out of his seat.

'Well, obviously someone is losing interest here. Perhaps it's a good time to break for tea'.
(username failed moderation, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 9:53, closed)