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This is a question Devastating Put-Downs

Amorous Badger says: I once saw a former manager of mine being asked to 'sit down and let your mouth have a chance to speak' by his senior. What's the best heckle/putdown/riposte you've ever seen? (Hint: Recycled 'Your mum' jokes does not make an answer)

(, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 15:15)
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This question is now closed.

PA = Personal Abuse

"You know, Mike, mostly you're a great boss, but sometimes you could wank for your country."
(, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 16:35, Reply)
Not just 5 days ago.. A colleague said to me,"Hey fatty, I see you've put on weight recently."
My reply: "That's because I just spent 3 weeks eating and drinking in America and 2 weeks in Spain on the piss every day. I see that you're quite short, and I can diet."
(, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 16:32, 11 replies)
Working in Woolies
when I was looking for a better job after finishing Uni, I was reunited with an 'orrible little oik I'd had the misfortune to go to school with. He was thick, unpleasant, and had been a nightmare for the teachers - constantly disrupting lessons.

Anyway, one day, me and him are both stocking the same aisle when an English teacher from our old school walks through.

'Ah, Snowy! How are you! Surprised to see you working here!'
'I've just finished Uni, Mrs. Pendleton. Just working here for a bit while I find another job.'

We then have a catch up about things, chat about literature, etc. (I'd done English), and then she wanders off down the aisle and Karl gives her a big smile expecting similar treatment'

'Hello Karl. I assume you're here permanently...'

I should point out, of course, that I'm not trying to stigmatise people doing low-paid jobs (God know, I've done plenty), I just thought it was brilliant of her...
(, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 16:24, 5 replies)
Stripper put down
During a stag party that I didn't really want to go to, so I was hardly in the best mood; we were all sat around a table at some strip club. I only knew the groom anyway, so was just sat drinking my beer and not getting a lot of the in-jokes and banter.

One buck-toothed guy in the group was being a real dick, flashing the cash and making all sorts of derogatory comments about the girls in there, 'I've had better', criticising their bodies etc. Complete knob and couldn't stand the bloke.

At one point, dickhead calls a girl over and asks her to do a table dance, which she agrees. He then adds he'll give her £10 for every part of her body that he thinks needs surgery.

She obviously looks upset, but thinks of the money, smiles and agrees, but says only if she can play too.

So, the stripper starts dancing, and after about a minute, he hands her a tenner and says 'Ok, I'll start with your boobs'.

She leans down, takes the money, gives him a big smile and says 'Great, I'll start with your teeth'.

Never seen anyone shut up so quickly.
(, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 16:23, 4 replies)
fatty bye bye
I used to work with a bunch of people and its fair to say I was carrying a bit of extra timber. I wasnt a circle with a face but it didnt hurt when I fell over that much.
After leaving I lost loads of weight from becoming a dad, splitting up with an ex and doing the 3 peaks challenge and a triathlon (oooh).
Having not seen the lads I worked with since I left, one texted me asking if I fancied a pint some time.
Replied: "Sure mate would be good to see you, you might not recognise me Ive lost nearly 5 stone!"
Him: "Still a fat cnut then."
(, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 16:22, 1 reply)
Earlier this year, I was present when the vet put down my pet cat, Henry. That was pretty damn devestating.
(, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 16:20, Reply)
A friend of mine was complaining about his hectic kungfujitsu schedule
Apparently the training was really intense - several times a week leaving him perpetually knackered and cutting into his social life - yet he kept banging on about how he wanted to be able to defend himself against muggers, marauders and all the other baddies out there.

I said, "Why don't you just buy a knife?"
(, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 16:20, 5 replies)
Very bloody annoying
My good friend and I verbally spar well with each other, and one day in the pub were holding court - there was a group around us enjoying it, when I flattened him - I absolutely bloody flattened him - I chose such perfect words, pronounced them so precisely, and delivered my retort brilliantly - I actually got a cheer and a round laugh. It was surgical - the very epitome of rapier wit. It was the one time in my life where I'd got it completely right, at the right time, in the right place. I was guaranteed a shag that night from some adoring bird, 'cos they love guys that make them laugh.

He sat there, staring at me, and, going redder and redder, said "Yeah? Well ... " and after a pause more pregnant than Sarah Beeny blurted "I FUCKED YOUR MUM!" and the place absolutely bloody collapsed. Beer was genuinely spat out, he was clapped on the back and people told it to each other again and again.

What is it that I'd said? No one - not even me - has any bloody idea.
(, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 16:08, 3 replies)
My mate Martyn
is a gayer. He came out to me several years ago on a mutual cig break at work. As we returned to the building he held the door open and as I walked through I looked over my shoulder and said "You only held that open to look at my arse didn't you". He responded "Smurf, I'm gay NOT desperate".
(, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 16:05, 1 reply)
Sticking one's head above the parapet
Way back lost in the mists of time, I was watching a less than devastatingly funny stand up comedian, and when he gave me this opportunity - 'It's a hard life being a comedian'. I took it: 'How would you know?'. He never recovered.
(, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 16:05, 1 reply)
At the pub the other day
Was drinking (as you do) in the pub and watched this amusing debacle play out...

Friend #1 was irritated because Friend #2 wouldn't speak to him after night of lust and fun times. As the night wore on and the drinking became more intense F1 got on his high horse and started being increasingly bitchy to F2.

After a few more drinks F2 asks F1 to calm down... F1 pushes F2 away and shouts "Well, if you had a bigger cock, perhaps you'd find something to shut me up with!" to which F2 replies with glacial cool...

"I might have a small cock 'mate', but I've seen Lesbians with bigger clits than your cock!"

And storms off... Silence...
(, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 15:58, Reply)
Can I enter this in the image challenge too?
I once watched a comedian at a small comedy cafe who was struggling to get-on with his act due to a pissed-up geeza trying to heckle.

The comedian mostly ignored it until the guy shouted out a particularly loud shitty 'retort' so he realised he had to deal with him, which he did quite nicely by saying
"Ooooh. Owch! You're sharp! Get back in the cutlery draw
.... you fucking spoon"

From then on, anything else the punter tried was greeted by the audience shouting 'you fucking spoooon' at him - something I still do to irritants to this day.
(, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 15:57, 3 replies)
Old Colleague
Her husband had been a partner at the company, then left, but she still thought she was a cut above the rest of us at the same level and deserved special treatment. She used to pop out during work time to go shopping, delegate all her work to juniors who could barely deal with it, and generally skive.

We'd all moaned about it and it eventually came to a head with a team meeting which involved a senior partner coming in as an independent arbitrator.

Senior partner reached the conclusion that she was workshy and needed to buck her ideas up. He summed up by suggesting she needed to mend her ways, and that we'd review in a month.

She brought in the whole 'What would Christian say? This is outrageous the way you're victimising me!'

Senior bod responded by getting his phone out, calling Christian, telling him exactly what he'd just told his wife, then arranging to go for a pint the next evening.
(, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 15:56, 4 replies)
An old Steve Martin line to a heckler
Works well with anyone making a fool of themselves in a bar or drinking siituation: "I remember my first beer, too."
(, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 15:53, 1 reply)
"Vagabond, what you are doing is desperately trying to prove to the world that you are an adult.
When you become an adult, you will know it, and no longer feel the need to prove it."
(, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 15:52, Reply)
My old boss
To a particularly sleazy sales rep who'd been moaning about the sell-his-own-grandmother tactics of a competitor.

"Nick, there's this story about a pot and a kettle which seems appropriate here. To cut a long story short, one of them's black."
(, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 15:51, 2 replies)
In a comedy club in Crystal Palace...
...a female comedienne takes the stage, starts telling some jokes, and then mentions in passing that she is schizophrenic.

Cue some wag at the back of the club shouting "Then why don't you both fuck off then!"
(, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 15:49, 6 replies)
Uni football
At the end of the season I was the deserving recipient of the 'Stephen Hawking Award for Sporting Excellence'.

It came in a frame and everything.
(, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 15:46, Reply)
Does it still count as a 'Devastating Put-Downs'
if only one side gives a shit?
Because that kipperfillet tripper seems to think his long, windy , boring rants are quite the dog's knackers.
I imagine his keyboard is devastated, at any rate.

peace, love, light and cheers.
(, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 15:44, 26 replies)
It even says it on the ticket!
Going into the cinema, not too busy, but enough to warrant ushers to point and grunt. One of them wants to see my ticket to 'help' me find my seat, P34. (And my other half's of course. I couldn't have you think I go to the cinema on my own. (Any more))
He looks, and points in the general direction of 'up the stairs'
Usher; "Oh yeah," he grunts, "It's just before, erm, up there, just before..."
Me; "Just before Q I think you'll find."
U; "Erm, yeah."
(, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 15:42, Reply)
Does this whole question count as a riposte to Chinaman?

(, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 15:38, 4 replies)
In Brazil, car has a sticker saying 'this car belongs to Jesus'
I stuck a post-it next to the sticker saying 'Jesus called, he says you can keep it'.
(, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 15:36, 1 reply)
I made my compo pic too big
it got deleted by mods.

(, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 15:31, Reply)

If your going to enter a battle of wits with me at least have the decency to turn up armed!
(, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 15:30, 5 replies)
I once upset Mykeyboy by suggesting that when he was born
he 'looked like a roast chicken with a child's head'.
(, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 15:30, Reply)
They said "Ah, the Legless Gambut"
Totally devastating, and misspelt to boot
(, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 15:25, 9 replies)
"Vagabond, you and he are good friends, I know, but
he will be able to doss about for two years, getting drunk and smoking cigarettes, and come out with three Bs. You can doss about with him, getting drunk and smoking cigarettes, and get three Es.

It's your choice."

I got one D - stitch that!
(, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 15:24, 7 replies)

(, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 15:22, 1 reply)

(, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 15:21, Reply)
My teacher said I'd never be first at anything. LOOK AT ME NOW BITCH!
(, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 15:19, 7 replies)

This question is now closed.

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