Kilburnie, Scotland
My grandpapa told me fantastical tales of Kilburnie when I was but a wee little thing. I was left with images of babbling brooks, mysterious castles, sky blue lochs and rolling hills. Oh, it did seem idyllic! I imagined happy ginger Scottish people burring at one another and merrily dancing away in kilts.

When my grandpapa was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, I decided to make a trip to Kilburnie to take photographs of all the things and places he remembered, before all the memories went away. He hadn’t been back since he was a child, so I did expect a fair amount of modernization.

I pulled into the town and was greeted with a billboard announcing The Spice Girls’ second album. So I got there 6 years too late to enjoy the awesome excitement that might have caused. But yet, I carried on!

Ah! So there’s the local Presbyterian church! I can show grandpapa the final resting places of his parents and the pews in which he sat as a wee boy. Well, I would, if only the vicious dog would let me through the gates. Oh, it does seem a bit overgrown. And…and…is that a femur poking out of that hole? Way spooky!

Oh, that’s where he used to play football! How wonderful to see this place he spoke of with such glee. Ah, oh, watch where I step. There seem to be a lot of people shooting up around here. Those needles do go right through a trainer, don’t they. Ah, erm, it doesn’t half smell a bit here. I’ll take a couple pictures anyhow. No, get your hands off my camera. OK, here, have a bit of cash. No, not the cash AND the camera, that isn’t a very good deal, now is it, mister! OK, OK, I’ll get lost you bunch of sillysters! Off to the local park I go!

Oh, yes young tracksuited men. I WILL fuck off back to my car! Oh no, I don’t want my head kicked in. No thanks! Carry on tying up your friend, I’ll wander over here and see if I can track down some long lost relatives, maybe they’ll feed me some superyummy haggis and shortbread.

Bing bong! Who da feck areya! Ah, well, certainly you remember my grandpapa, you’re his cousin! Aye, eydoyes, now feck off you fecking cunt. Okie dokie!

Oh, that seems rather rude, the old dear didn't even give me a biscuit. I think I need to try some of that yummy orange drink that people told me about! Dattle be 79 pence, den. Oh, here you go sir! Wheredafeck are ye from? Why, I’m from Michigan in The United States, my grandpapa grew up and raised a family here! AHFECKINGFECKOFFFECKFECKFECKINGCOCKFECKFECKCUNT. Rightio!

I’ll just find myself a sandwich and a cup of tea. This place looks rather nice, I can’t go wrong with a cheese and ham sarnie! And some tea, too, please! Ah, no, please don’t stir the tea with your finger. Um, no, I don’t want the tea now. No, it has your finger and some dandruff in it. No, I don’t like tea up my backside, thanks. I’ll pay for it anyway, but I’ll just have one of those sealed cans of soda pop now. Yessssir, this Irn Bru really hits the spot.

Ah, now that’s more like it! A lovely river! This must be the babbling brook grandpapa talked about. Oh, how peaceful and lovely how the water cascades over the…is that a…large discarded dead dog in the river?

Yawn! It has been an awful exciting day! I’ll just drive back to Carlisle for a nice kip. If only I could find my car…
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 14:51, 3 replies)

Yes, Kilbirnie is indeed a melanoma
An island, cut off from respectable normal folks and sanity. It isn't too far away from Largs, which while still being a bit desperate is like Las Vegas in comparison.

Did you really come all the way from the US to visit Kilbirnie?
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 15:11, closed)

I was staying in London...
...took a train then rented a car.

Later, after I moved to this fetid isle, I had a coworker that grew up there. He said that a nearby pharmaceutical company has closed and instead of destroying its products, they merely gave bucketloads to the residents of Kilburnie. Literally, Kilburnie had crackbuckets.

(Or Kilbirnie?)
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 15:15, closed)

It's Kilbirnie
But the residents pronounce it Kilburnie.
(AyeMe, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 16:17, closed)