Oh No – Not the hose!...

I’ve just moved to a new neighbourhood, and it’s one of those quiet, sickly, inbred communities where everyone seems to know everyone else…from the local carpenter right up to the Mayor. It's one of those hick towns where you can’t rub your bollocks in public without it making the parish community newsletter.

There are no black people, no disabled people, and no screaming sexual deviants to be found (until I arrived anyway)…which is a bit awkward really – cos there’s this woman I've spotted….called ‘Miss Lovelace’ (Honestly! That’s her actual name!) – and I reckon after a couple of Bacardi Breezers she’d be properly partial to being on the arse end of a bit of the ‘rough stuff’…then again, she’d have to lock them shitty yap-yap dogs of hers up in another room though – I don’t want them watching me whilst I’m drilling their mistress up the wrongun.

Now I come to think of it…I reckon they’re all at it round here…There’s just something a bit sinister about all these ‘holier than thou’ types with their puritan jobs…I mean who can survive today’s cut-throat economic climate being just a clockmaker or a florist?...and their houses all seems pretty decent too. It just doesn’t add up - either they’re dealing skank, on the game, or mafia hitmen or something – sneaky fucking cunts they are... I don't trust any of 'em

As for me, the closest thing to excitement I’ve experienced so far round here is when the fire brigade are called out – which seems to happen suspiciously TOO often for my tastes considering I’ve never actually seen a single.fucking.fire break out in the town. Yet at least once a week they’re out, trying to justify their ludicrously overblown public sector salaries on crappy meaningless tasks…whilst I foot the bastard bill for them to spunk on more shitty brass band instruments - freeloading fuckers.


I don’t know how much longer I can take it…I tell you…all it not as it seems round here. In fact, I’m already regretting the day I decided to move to Trumpton.
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Mon 2 Nov 2009, 16:04, Reply)