Mr Field in Physics
Or, to give him his officially school-endorsed name*, Pervy Field. Also sometimes known as "that creepy guy who teaches physics who is blatantly a sex-offender".

Picture him: brown slacks, a cheap polyester short-sleeve checked shirt that's been turned a dirty beige over the years, grey zombie-like skin,and Bill Gates's glasses circa 1987. A stereotypical physics teacher, some might say.

His voice was a dull monotone as he wearily explained for the umpteenth time in his life the laws of gravity to a group of bored brats. He disliked us, teaching, and the school. We thought he got no joy in life whatsoever, apart from his interest in astronomy (he had a telescope set up in his classroom). He was far too boring to get any joy from this world. Well, that's what we thought.

Until the day someone, who had been in the physics block for an extra-curricular society, happened to walk past his classroom at about 9pm. Who saw, through the window in the door, that Mr Field was still in his room, and was apparently engrossed in studying the night sky through his telescope.

Except the telescope wasn't pointed at the sky. Rather, it was directed straight at the windows of the building opposite. The girls boarding house. My boarding house. The girls who never bothered to close their windows, because they thought no-one would ever seen in. The girls who used to wear only the slightest knickers and little t-shirts to bed. The girls who, in the depth of winter, had to resort to cuddling each other in bed, chafing each other's legs and languidly massaging in moisturizer, just to keep warm...**

Mr Field was reported, and subtle enquiries were made as to whether he'd *ahem* gone any further to making his secret passions know. A girl in my house, who did A-level physics with him, confessed he'd sent her a valentine's card. In which he declared he'd just love to "lie down naked whilst she walked over his body wearing nothing but golf cleats".

Part perv, part Patrick Moore, all legend.





*Ok, not endorsed by the school. Well, not the teachers. Ok, not all the teachers.

**Yes, I made that bit up. Artistic license, y'see. Hehe.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 15:19, Reply)