Defecation difficulties
Background for context: At school my main friends were Iain, Joe, Martin and Kane through Year 10. We all had started learning the guitar (Iain is now fucking awesome but the rest of us have given up) and that bonded us.

Kane's friend (and I suppose our friend too, he's actually a really good bloke) Tom had also started to play. He was somewhat walking before he could crawl at this point and had begun trying to learn Iron Maiden solos and the like. Because he had no fundamentals he butchered them pretty hard. We took the piss out of each other all the time too, like friends do.

One day Kane, Iain and Tom were having a jam at Kane's. Kane and Iain left the room and Iain picked up a random pair of boxers to throw at Kane, then dropped them like he'd been electrocuted.

"They've got fucking skid marks on them Kane, you dirty cunt!" He yelled.

Kane denied all knowledge, and (careful) close inspection revealed they were far too big for midget half-Chinese Kane. Tom, however, was over 6ft and had stayed at Kane's the previous night. 2+2=4.

Holding them on a stick, Iain threw them at Tom and laughed. Tom went bright red (as he often did) and they took the piss out of him - as you would.

Iain made the mistake of telling me. No more happened until a few months down the line.

I was pretty shit at guitar, and one Science lesson a genius got some Post-It notes and everyone wound up with notes on their back. Tom and Kane came up to me at the end of the lesson when I was talking to Iain, Joe, Martin and assembled others.

"Hey, Matt," he said, smiling. "Did they put a note on your back saying 'I can't play the guitar'?"

I froze. This was it. Rarely in your life do you get such perfect and beautiful moments for a comeback, but this was it.

"No, Tom, they didn't," I said nochanlantly, savouring the fact that no-one knew of the monster I was about to unleash. "Did they put one on your back saying I CAN'T WIPE MY FUCKING ARSE?!"

Stunned silence. I left without saying another word to Tom, who was stock still and stunned in the middle of the room. Kane was fuming and Iain, Joe and Martin were literally on the floor.

Best comeback ever.
(MJPerry was crude but clickable at, Fri 30 Jan 2009, 2:25, Reply)