My mate C.
Now I'm sure I've mentioned him before. He of the "Fence post up the bumhole" incident that still makes me wince to this day. He was an unlucky lad much of the time, and moreso than anything else, his nemesis was dog turds.

He sat next to me in registration almost the entire first four years of school, and on one occasion, he brought with him the unholy stench of fresh dogs egg, which it turned out he had whipped into an ommlette under the table. It was everywhere! All up his legs, the table legs, his school bag, how he had managed not to notice stepping in such a vast pile of shite is something we'll never know. He was kept back to clean it up himself, it took him almost an hour.

This tale in itself is amusing, but when in conjunction with what happened shortly afterwards, it gives a glimpse into his eternal, almost epic struggle against canine crap.

Our school, bless it, has recently been knocked down and replaced with a massive, soul-less monstrosity of a building. Our old school was built either side of a road, with a large orange plastice tube running between the buildings, presumably to stop some of the more highly strung pupils from damaging passing cars with their entrails. The old building (which is still standing, it's a listed building) was built on a slope, and upon leaving the rear exit there were two flights of stairs to go down. If you were a nancy, that is, us streetwise lads knew only twats used the stairs, and jumped and slid down the slopes of the little hills. It was here that my mate met his waterloo. For halfway down one of these hills, at lunchtime, he again crossed swords with a freshly laid poodle poo, and slid over on top of it. He skidded all the way to the bottom of the hill and when he rose, the chuckles at seeing him fall over were replaced with roars of laughter as we saw the huge brown stripe which ran from his shoe to his hair.

It was, to this day, one of the funniest things ever. He was COVERED in it. I can't remember what happened to him, I don't think I stopped crying with laughter for about a fortnight afterwards.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Tue 3 Feb 2009, 19:56, Reply)