Plasticine
Ah, schooldays. I remember them well.

One incident which springs to mind goes back to primary school when I was all of 6 years old. Now this was a long, long time ago when literacy was stories (later to be English) and numeracy was sums (later to be arithmetic). We also had arts and crafts which was basically playing in the sand-pit or mucking about with plasticine. One of the most endearing qualities of plasticine is that after a few weeks of intensive play, no matter what colours you start with, it takes on a singularly unpleasant purplish-brown hue.

Obviously, dear readers, you will be way ahead of me here but I will endeavour to keep up. One fateful Thursday morning we had finished arts and crafts, tidied up and were all sitting quietly at our desks waiting for storytime (come on, it was 1965, anything other than sitting quietly would have got you a real good slippering: did us no harm ah tell thee) when the teacher spotted some plasticine under my mate Colin’s desk. He was instructed to pick the plasticine up and put it with the rest. He did so and even moulded all the little balls into one big lump. He got back to his seat and was sitting for a while before he said “Can you smell poo?” I said I couldn’t and he then started sniffing to see if he could find the source. Yes readers, it was his fingers.

Mary, who sat behind him, had waited so long to go to the toilet that not only had she baked her turd good and proper, when she shit herself it had come out in little balls which she had flicked from her knickers and under his desk. Colin put this together quite quickly and shouted “Miss that wasn’t plasticine it was Mary’s poo!” Mary was sent to the toilet to finish off and clean herself up, Colin was given quiet instruction in how to be a bit more discreet and the rest of just thanked providence that no-one had spotted the Maltesers under Colin’s desk.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 4 Feb 2009, 13:00, 2 replies)

excellent
*ye clicke*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Feb 2009, 13:12, closed)

Maltesers rock.
A mate who works with the elderly regularly flicks one onto a freshly-made bed, says 'Oh look, we missed a bit!' and picks it up and sniffs and eats it.

Scares the crap out of medical students.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Wed 4 Feb 2009, 14:15, closed)