Types of Shit
1. The auto-flusher.
A stool which feels like a leviathon, but exits the sphincter with such velocity that it hits the water and traverses the U-Bend before you have time to peer in and admire your handiwork.

2. The Stroke
So called because you strain and grunt, and gurn as though you're having one, feel as though you're passing a motion of biblical proportions, only to have a small nugget of dark matter pop out and plop, unsatisfyingly into the depths below.

3. Blowing Mud
Not to be confused with the post-curry motion, this is generally the epilogue to a night of uncomfortable and very odious wind, which leaves the bedroom smelling as though a diarrhitic episode has already passed betwixt the sheets. Blowing mud normally involves a protracted run to the toilet, followed by an involuntary shit tsunami which liberally coats the bowl with a sticky layer of faeces and proves hard to shift even after several flushes.

4. The Eye of the needle.
The result of an ill thought out choice in the curry house the previous night, and fuelled by several imbibed pints of fermented vegetable products, this precision shitting normally leaves the anus puckered, red and sore. So called because of the perpetrators ability to shit through the eye of a needle without splashing the sides.

5. The Gillian McKeith
The foulest and most repugnant of all bowel motions, eponymously named because it bears resemblance to the visage of TV's favourite, faecally-fixated would-be doctor.

6. The Trans-Atlantic Cable
A stool which, once the pace car drops lazily into the bowl, continues to come out in an unbroken session, similar to the laying of subsea communications cable. Often the perpetrator feels as though their insides are physically unravelling, and panic attacks ensue.

7. The Clown
A cruel joke played on the passer. He/she will spend hours in a meeting with an urgent pressure on their ringpiece, followed by a hurried run to the nearest facilities, only to discover that the monstrous motion their body has promised them is merely a large build up of wind, which rasps out of the sphincter like a 650 norton starting up, much to the amusement of other patrons in the facilities.
(Vic Flange, Sat 29 Mar 2008, 10:35, 5 replies)

Minus the gurning and nasty noises
all mine are type two. I think I should eat more fruit.
( Bats, Sat 29 Mar 2008, 10:42, closed)

For the Gillian McKeith and the 650 Norton....a well deserved click!
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Sat 29 Mar 2008, 11:12, closed)

Number 1 is also referred to as the Phantom Shit
because it makes its presence felt, but when you look there's no trace of it, not even the requirement to wipe.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Sat 29 Mar 2008, 13:36, closed)

Numbers 6 and 7
had me chortling like an idiot, and number 7 reminded me of my own tale of poo. *click*
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sat 29 Mar 2008, 18:03, closed)

number 1
AKA the "houdini" - he made his escapes from many traps* by going down and under.

* pun totally intended
(midnight rapist tocajamón, Sat 29 Mar 2008, 23:57, closed)