The Hot Bag
I am moving house to a lovely place that offers FOUR toilets, a far cry from the mono-shittered place where I currently live.

It all went wrong one Sunday morning whilst watching the repeat of Match of the Day. Suddenly attacked by a turtle's head in my pyjama bottoms, I dashed upstairs to do the necessary.

Alas, it was occupied by my charming wife taking a shower, and my pleas fell on deaf ears.

Only one thing for it - I grabbed a Tesco carrier bag, dashed out to the shed and filled it with hot, steaming semi-liquid containing, I am sad to say, Green Giant sweet corn.

Of course, there's a problem with supermarket carrier bags - they make them with air holes to prevent stupid people from suffocating themselves. These air holes also allow semi-solid turds to escape as you dash up the garden, hoping to conceal your foul mess behind the water feature, showering your carpet slippers with turds.

Then, the seagulls came. Loads and loads of seagulls.

Full 12-inch remix version HERE
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:24, 10 replies)

The Phantom
Feels like you're pooing, smells like your pooing, damn there's even the 'plop' to suggest that you are dropping the kids off at the pool, but by the time you turn around, there's nothing there. You wipe. Nothing there. Damn, where'd the little bugger go? Poo heaven, thats where, situated in the English Channel, just off the Isle of Wight.
( Moonraker isn't the droid you were looking for, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:24, 2 replies)

Three is the magic number
There are many versions of a fabled 'Triple Crown'. Some involve booze, some involve sleeping with girls and other generations of her family. My own involves poo.

A Saturday night, two years ago, and Son #2 was overdue, so a night of sex and curry hurried the little blighter along. Quite a bit in fact, as a few hours later we were down the hospital and every time Lady St.Roker pushed, she hurled barely digested curry down my chest. Out he popped, and promptly pissed down my right arm.

I handed him back to nursey and while everyone did their tests or started putting stitches where you don't want them, I noticed a long snake of black rubber that had appeared on my left arm. I marvelled at it a while, picking at it, making shapes with it, pulling it off and putting it back on to see how it stuck to the hairs. At no point did I even consider that my shiney new son had shat all down my arm. That came later when a very nice nurse asked me to stop trying to stick it to the wall. Covered in puke, piss, and poo at the same time, now that's a Triple Crown.


Epi-log Part 1: He's just started potty training and has a younger sister. When he pinched his first one off, she picked it out of the potty, shook the wee off, and held it up to show me. Alas, no one was sick on her and she has to make do with the Double.

Epi-log Part 2: M'Lady's birthday yesterday, so took her to a posh hotel for afternoon tea. Sitting on the balcony, all very civilised until my little scatophile decided he needed a crap. He didn't feel the need to tell anyone about it, or even find a toilet for that matter, but simply dropped his Lightening McQueen pants, pushed his arse up against the railings and let one drop down, down, down, onto the bar area below. Oh how we ran.

That trumps when he pulled them down in Boots for a pee over the Lynx deodorants.

He's ace.
(Hampton St.Roker (has probably had your mum), Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:21, 5 replies)

The ultimate shit story...
has to be this.

"Before I knew it I was fucking her like the apocalypse was imminent, burying it to the hilt with impunity. After a few minutes I was ready to come. My urgency was expressed in my tempo, and I began really jackhammering her. As the excitement got the best of me, I pulled out too far and my dick came out of her ass. I kinda scrambled to grab my dick and put it back in so I could finish off inside of her, but before I could even get a hold of it and put it back in her ass, I heard a faint "psssst" sound and felt something wet and warm hit my crotch.

It was dark in the room (I was not smart or sober enough to leave the lights on for the camera), so after I looked down it took me a few seconds to realize that my dick, balls and groin area were covered in a viscous black liquid. I stopped moving and stared at my strangely colored crotch for a good 5 seconds, completely confused, until I realized what happened:

'Did you...did you just...shit on my dick??'

I reached down to touch the liquid feces, still in complete and utter disbelief that this girl shot explosive diarrhea on my penis, when, without warning, the smell hit me.

I have a very sensitive nose, and I have never been more repulsed by a smell in my life. The combination of synthetic AstroGlide and rancid stench of raw fecal matter combined to turn my stomach, which was full of seafood, veal and wine, completely over.

I tried to hold it back. I really did everything I could to stop myself, but there are certain physical reactions that are beyond conscious control. Before I knew what I was doing, it just came out:

'BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'

I vomited all over her ass. Into her crack. Into her asshole. On her ass cheeks. On the small of her back. Everywhere."

Tucker Max

Sadly not mine. So don't click 'I like this'.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:20, 1 reply)

The coathanger
As a young man who lives alone and exists solely on a diet of e numbers, lard and meat, I've become fairly reknowned for spending far too long on the toilet, dropping brown eggs of mammoth proportions.
Of course, this causes one repeating problem... The Floater That Will Not Die.
I've managed to work my way around this problem though, by the clever use of an old wire coathanger I now keep in the dark scary cupboard next to my bog.

What instruments do you use to chop up your wayward excretia?
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:19, 6 replies)

*shrug* Ask a shitty question...
As I work for a company that makes equipment for wastewater treatment (sewage plants), I imagine I can gather up a few good ones around the office.

Give me a little time. I'll ask.

EDIT: on second thought, I think I'll just give this QOTW a pass. I really can't think of anything I'd want to say about shit.

See ya next week.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:16, Reply)

Let's get the ball rolling...
In 1979, I took my arse to the house of commons and had an accident while inspecting the empty seats. It shits Tories.

*ducks*
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:15, Reply)

To follow piston broke's post
I very much approve of whoever it was that said:

"There's nothing more overrated than bad sex, and nothing more underrated than a good shit."
(Bearded Whumpus In chav Britain, schoolgirl offers sweets to YOU!, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:15, 5 replies)

Interestingly enough
Actually, it's not that interesting, but when I was sat upon the porcelain throne earlier today, I suddenly heard a crack, and simultaneously lurched sideways as the seat mounting gave way.

Thankfully the turtle's head hadn't quite emerged by this point, so I was able to recover the situation without serious incident, but it does mean the usable bog quota of the department has been halved.

Length - about 7 inches, gently curled, and somewhat dark due to the amount of red wine I drank last night.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:13, Reply)

Does anyone else get that fear
the deep down in your guts worry that the dead otter that just fell out into the pan won't flush, and you have no idea how to get rid of it.

Forget the stories lies about throwing it out the window, do you franticly look for something to break it up/dislodge it, or keep flushing til something budges?
( Moonraker isn't the droid you were looking for, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:10, 6 replies)

ROFLMAO POO!

Ahem...

Sorry, one of these days I will grow up and stop being so infantile. But today is not that day.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:09, Reply)

I think we got what we asked for here...
A shit qotw- wahey!

But to keep strictly on topic, there is no feeling more relaxing and liberating when you have a truly massive dump. I do pity the people that use the loo after me though...
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:08, Reply)

Copper pipe flange gauge-o-meter.
I was in Western Australia, having a nose around the Eneabba area, where I stumbled upon a rather interesting network of caves, one in particular named Syg (or 6E-54).

However, at that point I was also hit by a violent case of diahorrea, for which the sacred Arret capsules containing the magical ingredient Loperamide were used to combat the evil cramps and liquid shit squirting into my kegs.

Therefore, readers, that was my first ever Syg-Arret.

***Takes gun, rotates chamber, pulls trigger.
( Tesco Quality 60.825659, -0.788337, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:08, Reply)

Should have waited for this week
coz my smoking stories were pretty shit.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:07, Reply)

Massive poos
I'm perfectly capable of some of the biggest logs ever. They're a danger to the North Sea shipping industry.

Worst ones are the chocolate hostages which just won't flush and need to be beaten away with a stick.
( Moonraker isn't the droid you were looking for, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:06, Reply)

motherfucking christ!
What's next week? Vomiting stories part 17. Does anyone ever look at that fucking gigantic list of great ideas for QOTW? Ho hum, here's a story:

I did a vast shit, but on closer inspection it turned out to be another inspired QOTW topic.
(frankspencer, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:06, 3 replies)

Jesus H Christ on a bike...
I waited avidly, like most of the rest of the folks on here, for this QOTW hoping against hope that it wasn't going to be shit again.
Not only was it, but it actually was!
(may not make actual sense when read aloud - but in my head it sounds fine, so do one.)
(Nogin the Nog is the good one! Beware Nogbad the Bad!, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:06, Reply)

In honour of this QOTW
I'm going to try and repeat my feat of doing a poo shaped exactly like a cock.

That was possibly one of my proudest moments ever.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:04, 6 replies)

My poo bleeds*
Sometimes.





*May be untrue
( gareth_alien will be human again at, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:04, Reply)

Poo Missile
I once shit into a comdom and threw it at a mate, he wasnt very happy about it funnily enough.
(Masterb3ta, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:03, 1 reply)

Not another week ruined!
By shit no less
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:03, Reply)

I missed the first page
cos I just did one
(Reverend Samson Fapohunda B3tan, B3tan, B3tan, B3tan, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:01, Reply)

number twos
have been done before, but I'm sure I can think of some crap.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:00, Reply)

Shit, you say?
No. I'm not going to make the obvious jibe.




*despairs*
*gets some work done*
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:00, Reply)

1st?
Pooflake, take it away my son.
( girlinthehole, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:00, 3 replies)

pop
1st post





*dammit, so close*
(greasedupdeafguy broke something, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:00, 1 reply)

No!
Another shit QOTW!
On the plus side I'm first.
( Cawl, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 14:59, Reply)