Northampton Soundhaus
Quite appropriately a shit name for a venue.

Out on the lash to celebrate us old uni housemates reunion-ising (how the hell do you verbalise 'reunion'?!), in the hole known as Northampton due to fiscal shortages of the one member of our party unable to afford a train ticket out of Northampton. So we all went to him.

Innumerable beers later and we're moshing away. Quite a good DJ that night - some suitably violent music was getting played, and much drunken fun was being had by us all.

Until, that is, my body decides to fast forward the next mornings beer shits to the very definite present. However, there's still a lot of liquid in my stomach/bowels. It just had to be messy. A shining thought pierces the drunken haze: THIS IS GOING TO BE A BIG ONE: KEEP IT ALL IN!!!

A couple of fruity farts creep out. The big, slightly moist variety that can make your trousers flap, and without the covering noise would have most definately made people stare. I subtly (well, i'm 6'6" and was very drunk - take that last thought with a pinch of salt) head bang/mosh/beat my way to the other side of the dance floor. Result! People are shaking their heads in disgust at some other poor pleb who happened to be standing in the area recently vacated by me.

A few more farts, each fruitier than the last. My mates have now noticed and are shooting a couple of questioning stares. I've run (snarf snarf) out of fresh dancefloor.

I couldn't let it happen. I wouldn't let it happen. I........let it happen.

In most rock clubs, the toilet cubicals are best avoided, and the Sound Haus is no exception. Finding just one stall, i'm thoroughly unsurprised to find its filthy, there's liquid (please let it be water) flooding the floor, there's no toilet seat or lock on the door, and there's just a shred of toilet paper dangling from the dispenser.

Still, the cramps were unbearable, i was unsure of my drunken ability to ensure the next fart would be dry, and i also figured (accurately, its turned out) that i was never going to go back to Northampton, let alone that godawful club.

So...

You remember that scene in American Pie where Stiffler has added laxatives to Shotbricks mochacino, and he dives into the ladies toilets? That was me.

Wedging a foot against the door, and doing a pretty good drunken swaying to remain hovering just above the seat-less bowel, i let rip.

Armageddon ensues. I'm in there for about 20 minutes, completely and utterly annihilating that toilet. Its pretty much entirely liquid, and being as i'm hovering and swaying slightly its going EVERYWHERE in and on that toilet bowel. The water turns brown. The inside turns brown with a few white spots peeking through the mess. The rim gets a good pebbledashing. To this day i have no idea how i managed to avoid my trousers around my ankles.

Everytime i felt the contractions subsiding and my colon contracting, a fresh wave would hit. I swear - the horrors of war have nothing on the sights, sounds and above all the *smell* that i was reducing the toilet cubicle to. Remember, this is the only male toilet in the venue, and the venue is pretty small, so pretty much the first jet had filled the toilet area with the most unpleasant of poo aromas. I'm usually comfortable in the smell of my own farts (as are most men), but this aroma was positively chompable. By the end even i was gagging as it completely filled the entire (small) gents toilet area.

Much careful toilet paper origami on the few remaining toilet paper scraps later, and i was sorted. Assuming anyone had long since left me to (two) it, i was very much amazed to see someone patiently waiting to use the toilet. Personally, if i'd been in line hearing and smelling such inhumane anal destruction being unleashed within, i'd have run a mile.

His comment will stay with me forever: "Dude - you just don't *do* that...

I felt pretty good after. All cramps were gone, i had a pint waiting for me and some grindcore had just come on.

When i smelt my shit stink waft over the dancefloor about 5 minutes later, i just pretended not to notice.
Inwardly, however, i glowed with pride.

This is my first b3ta post. My dick is fucking enormous, so please be gentle...!
(Stuffed Chimp, Wed 2 Apr 2008, 22:54, 1 reply)

Er...
how about reuniting?! /pedant

Jesus, sounds like you wrecked that place. Amazed the tiny bogroll managed to clear the damage to the blast zone...
(Dr Funkenstein - back in the civilised world, Thu 3 Apr 2008, 1:27, closed)