Never trust a posh girl.
New year's eve a few years ago was rather an interesting night. Me and my mate, who we will call Alex on account of that being his name, had taken our place as sad-act losers and were settling down to see in the new year with a couple of cans of Woodpecker. At about ten to eleven, decided to sign onto MSN for a minute just to wish anyone there a happy new year. Get a message from one of my female mates (who we shall call Pat, which is almost her name) who invites us to her new years do. Now she's very posh and quite attractive, so I figure her mates will be much the same. Bit late in the procedings, but not wishing to miss out on the chance to try it on with five girls we'd never met, me and Alex agreed, grabbed a couple of bottles, and headed out to the party.

New year's celebration went off as planned, aulda lang syne and all that bollocks. Completely failed to get off with any of the girls, but neither did my mate (and as a lead-up to the upcoming bit, I will say my mate is not a looker. Deformed jaw, huge birthmark across fave, ratty ginger hair, he's certainly not going to win any beauty contests). Argued with Pat's mum about whether Yorkshire can be called Northern (I argue it fucking well can be, because it's a long way north of Northampton). Four AM came, and we all decided to crash out on couches and try and get some sleep. Four sleeping abreast on the floor, I'm sleeping just across everyone's heads on the sofa. Lights go out, passing out commences.

Or it should do.

Possibly ten minutes after the lights have gone out, I hear a rather sloppy sucking noise. I think nothing of it, until I hear another one. And then another one. I open one eye and realise that Alex, the shovelfaced monster, is getting rather kissy with Pat, whose parents are upstairs. Fair game to him, I think and roll over and try and put it out of my mind.

They then choose to start getting a little closer. Not to mention louder. My mind starts filling in the gaps, and I actually feel physically sick. I then hear a very loud "zzziippp" sound. Right, I think, I'm not going to hang around here and listen to posh mate relieving ugly mate of his virginity. And only partly because I didn't want to vomit all over them while they were going at it. So I stagger out of the room and loiter in the toilet for a while. I then find another room to collapse in.

Wake up next morning to find living room much as I left it the previous night, only with posh mate wearing her top inside out. Nobody is making any comments, and there is definitely an air of discomfort. The girl who'd been trying to sleep next to them had a face full of bruises, which I later discovered were from her being pushed into the fireplace repeatedly by the rather selfish pair who'd been going at it with no thought for anyone else.

Pat's boyfriend of the time (who wasn't at the party) never found out as far as I know. I still tease her about it to this day. After Pat, Alex went all downhill and is now dolescum and an alcoholic, which is quite impressive given he's not 18 yet.

No apologies for girth or length, they're my most recommended features.
( Noit happy baby orangutan, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 12:15, Reply)