I'd suck your cock
(warning: long)

It all started with a mutual acquaintance's sister's birthday, which was being celebrated by way of a garage party in their tiny village, which was way out in the boondocks. 7pm sharp, folks. Stay over if you want.

On the sketchiest of pretexts, me and the gang decided to gatecrash because 'everyone we knew was going'. We were also told it was strictly BYOB, which entailed an early-evening visit to the local offie's on the day before the party. It was always best to go after 5pm, as that's when the owner decided it best to put the 11 year olds on the till, and they could hardly refuse to serve someone 5 years their senior.

Drink duly purchased, we decided to stash it in the local roundabout until the day of the party. Of course, Tom being the idiot that he is, we didn't realise the police were following us until we heard the shout of, 'Here boys!'

So we ran, leaving the drink half-concealed in a bush. Of course, the next night this was gone, so more needed to be purchased with much wailing and gnashing of teeth, yea. Taxi up, which cost some ungodly amount of money, drink extracted from boot, and we walked into the party like the raffish young cads we were.

They lied when they said BYOB.

3 large crates of various beers, many bottles of Hooch (it was the 90s) and a large jug with some luminous green crap in it, the main ingredients of which seemed to be potchin (80% spirit that you make yourself) and pain.

So we drank. There was dancing. There was teenage romance. There was general chaos. I remember up until about 8:30, after which everything becomes a strange blur. I'd all but finished my bottle of cider by this point, and sat in a circle of chairs comprising of the people to pissed to stand. I leaned over to Tom and said the immortal line: 'Tom, I love you. I'd suck yer cock if I could...'

Then I started on the beers. More people turned up, I shouted incoherently. Darrell, one of the few late arrivals who stayed, claimed that he was somewhere between incredibly pissed off at all the drunken idiots and incredibly scared by all the drunken idiots. Bottles were thrown. Someone got headbutted in the face. People were flykicked.

It was at this point that witnesses tell me I started emptying unattended drinks into my cider bottle. I did wonder why it suddenly got heavier, but thought nothing more of it until I spewed all over myself. A box was brought, I almost filled it with vomit. I wondered outside, and JB brought a chair out for me and took my drink. His mother drove past and dragged him home; caught with a bottle (mine) in his hand. I then proceeded to be pissed on, pass out hanging over a wall and generally behave like the paralytic twat I was. The dreadful irony is that some arse had put Irish Rover by The Pogues on repeat on the shitty CD player, and to this day I cannot listen to Shane Magowan's Martini-laced mumbling without wanting to spray the contents of my guts over the walls.

I passed out inside the garage in a pool of my own vomit at around 11. Not knowing what to do, the hosts put a sleeping bag round me and locked the garage. Bear in mind this is November - we're talking subzero temperatures here.

Came to in the dark with puke frozen to my face. Still completely wasted, stood up and tried the door. Locked. Attempted to phone someone with my trusty 3210, but I couldn't make hide nor hair of the display, which was oddly pulsating. I eventually made my escape by kicking in a window, climbing through (knocking over a very large bottle of gin in the process) and vanishing into the freezing, foggy night.

I walked the 7 miles home. I collapsed outside my front door at about 4 in the morning. The postman found me at 6. How I didn't die from either hypothermia or alcoholic poisoning I will never know. I remained pissed until god knows what time the next day, after which a 2-day hangover kicked in.

I swore two things after that little incident: never to drink chemcial cider again, which I kept, and never to drink as heavily ever again. That one got scratched at New Year.
(New Lassic; new danger, Wed 19 Apr 2006, 11:48, Reply)