It was way back when.
Some time in the late 70s. Down the lane to the woods where my friends and I would go and play Star Wars lived the nastiest bunch of bullies you can imagine. My friends and I are about 8 or 9, they were all of 14 or 15. But they were bastards. For example, they used to chase us on their bikes and punch us as they rode past. Think 'Human Polo' but with them on bikes and us as the balls.

They were horrid. Really unpleasant. We had to do something.

I should mention at this point that the biggest and nastiest bully was a bit of a Heather Mills. Not that he was pretty and earned a mint from divorcing a legendary pop star modelling, more along the lines of the fact he had a false leg.

Yep, a 14 year old bully with a wooden leg. He probably felt bitter or something. And it wasn't even a cool false leg with wires and tubes and shiny metal bits. It was shit. there was no knee, it was too long for him and it probably chaffed his ball sack or something. It was a fucking tree attached to his hip.

Dear reader, you can probably guess where I'm going with this...

One summer afternoon it was hot as hell and my friends and I just had to go to the woods and fight the Imperial Stormtroopers in our heads. But we could see the 4 bullies of the apocalypse on their bikes at the end of the lane (yep, I'll give him his due, Death could pedal his bike with one leg. Impressive, if a bit lopsided).

I decided that I'd be oppressed no longer and made off down the lane, Alex and Louise - for we had our own Princess Leia - were frantically shouting for me to come back, to turn around, to not throw my life away so needlessly at such a young age. But I continued on.

Their shouting had alerted the 4 bullies to my approach. They blocked my path and the leader hobbled over to me. Slightly Piratically I might add. He stood a good foot higher than me (it would have been just 6 inches if his false leg had only fitted him properly) and I was close to weeing myself with fear.

"Where are you going?"
"I'm going to The Valley of the Dinosaurs to play Star Wars"
"No, No you're not."
"Bloody well AM!"

* K I C K *

I kicked his false leg as hard as I fucking well could. Putting every ounce of effort and weight behind it. Needless to say he went down like a cheap whore.

He couldn't get up. He looked up at me like a Beetle on it's back and... cried. He begged me to leave him alone. He pleaded for me not to 'beat up a cripple' (his words, I remember them clearly). I looked at his mates, defying them to come to his aid. I needn't have bothered with the grimace, The didn't notice they were laughing so hard! We were given a wide berth from then on and managed to defeat the Imperial Stormtroopers in the woods every time we fought them!

Bullies 0 - Rebel Alliance 1

Length? It went all the way from his hip to the ground.
(Woodgie is back, but for how long?, Thu 26 Apr 2007, 18:10, Reply)