New tricks
A couple of years back, I was living with my girlfriend of the time in a quaint little house we were renting in a small village. There wasn't a huge deal to do, so I took myself with taking challenges from people on what they thought I couldn't do, to prove to them, and myself, whether I was just arrogant, or really fucking awesome. Most of the time, I proved to everyone that I could do whatever challenge I was set, no matter how difficult, though there were limits - obviously I wouldn't do anything really disgusting, like intentionally run over a badger at a high speed and then eat its organs on the side of a road whilst wearing a PETA shirt, though I did consider it.

One day, the girlfriend approaches me with a challenge.
HER: Here's something I bet you can't do: I bet you can't teach our old dog Wilbur a new trick.

It was on. The thing was, Wilbur was around 13 years old now. We had rescued him from an RSPCA centre, because we wanted a pet, and he had been abandoned by his previous owners. At the time we got him, he was 11, and ageing fast, and he was such a nice looking dog, we didn't want him dying before being rehomed. He was an old black labrador, but by that point his fur was turning grey. Because he was old, he was a dopey beast, and it was nearly impossible to get him to do anything, let alone teach him some kind of trick. Plus, corny as it sounds, we all know the 'you can't teach old dogs new tricks'.

I worked at it a couple of months, but at first nothing much happened. After a while, though, I started convincing him he would receive treats if he started doing particular stuff. So that's how it went. I would get him to perform a trick, which at the time wasn't very good, then treat him afterwards. It was a great way to train! And as time went by, I taught him to get better and better at it. My girlfriend was going to be so defeated!

One evening, I was busy teaching Wilbur, when I heard the doorknob jiggle. I looked at it and literally froze. My girlfriend wasn't supposed to be back for hours. Before I could do anything, though, the door opened to my girlfriend, who looked at me and Wilbur and stopped dead, WIlbur still performing his trick.

ME: *nervous laughter* Hey honey ... Look, I ... I taught Wilbur to give blowjobs! He's never done that before!
HER: *storms out*

"You can't teach an old dog new tricks." Well, I really taught her, didn't I.
(ratthingbazzterd, Thu 26 Apr 2007, 23:33, Reply)