Best. Birthday. Ever.
Alright drongos?

Been a while, I know - but internet access in my 'secure facility' is only given out to those lags who've earned their privileges. Last few weeks have been tough, I'd almost gone a month without an 'incident' (which is what me docs call it when I piss all over some bastard), until some cunt in the mess hall only gave me three scoops of mash, not four. I showed the idiot though - popped me greasy cock into the soup tureen and pissed away! Ha! No one had soup that day! The burns took the skin clean off me greasy pipe and I had 2 weeks in the san...but worth it eh?!

Anyhoo...going back a few years now, before I became a state-sanctioned imbecile, I used to live with ma out in the sticks. On my 49th birthday I got a bit blotto and was staggering down the long, dusty road home when I saw one of those yellow SLOW DOWN signs. Now I've always wanted one of them and considering ma's contribution to my big day was $10 and a gallon of homebrew, I decided to take the bastard back with me.

Trouble was, those signs are pretty much cemented into the ground. But being a plus-sized gent, I knew I could use me extra weight to my advantage. I jumped up and pulled down on it with all my 41 stone and slowly and surely the sign started to bend over. I pulled and pulled and after considerable effort the thing snapped! It wasn't a clean break and the end was very jagged and rusty - but now I had myself the bestest birthday present ever!

Thing is. Those bastard yellow cunts are heavier than they look. I was dragging it down the highway but me hands were being shredded by the razor-sharp metal rusty bits. Bugger, I thought. I'd have to get me ute.

But then, as if by magic, a truck-load of me mates came driving down the road. 'Alright, Fatty Fatholme!' they called. Always joking around my mates are - a right laugh! 'What the fuck are you doing with that sign?'

I told em I needed a lift back to me trailer (we had a big house - but ma only let me sleep in the bashed-up old trailer in the yard). Sure thing! They said, and lifted my road sign onto the back of the truck. But then the cunts started to drive away! With MY ROAD SIGN! No chance! Mates or not, you don't steal a man's SLOW DOWN sign. Never!

So I charged the truck and managed to haul myself onto front. Me mates stopped the truck and started to shit themselves. 'OK!' they screamed, 'You can have your flaming sign back!' But it was too late. No one steals MY road sign. Quick as a flash I was buck-naked and warming up the old greasy cock. 'Oh SHIT!' they screamed, 'He's doing it! He's doing it! Someone grab the camera! This shit is going on Youtube!'

Trouble was, I couldn't get enough height with me todger to clear the truck and piss on the thieving cunts. I was waving the greasy bastard around but ended up pissing more on meself than anyone else. And soon I'd clean run out of pissing piss. I was drenched, covered in head to toe of MY OWN FOUL-SMELLING URINE!

What could I do? Well, I thought, if I can't have the sign, no one can! So I grabbed it and lay down on me back. Then I got the sharp, rusty end and started shoving it into my greasy back passage. It hurt a bit - but once the fucker was in, it got easier. I shoved that pole deep inside by arse, watching happily as me mate's faces turned from shock to horror! They'd lost the sign for sure, no chance they'd want it now, covered in all the blood and shit that was pouring out me greasy hole!

Two of me mates were so angry they'd lost the sign, that they actually threw up! Ha! I NEVER LOSE! ROB NEVER LOSES! But to be sure, I kept on fucking that dirty, rusty, jagged metal pole. It was tearing my insides out, and man, the smell...oh my god the smell. I must have ruptured something good and proper as filthy, brown gunk was flooding around me legs. Did I care? No! Cos I knew they'd be too scared to touch it now! And I was right. LOSERS!

I guess one of the cunts called the cops, as after fucking myself senseless for a good two hours I passed out and woke up not in the trailer but in this goddam place. BUT THEY NEVER CHARGED ME FOR THE SIGN. I've got a photo of it me comfy cell (even the walls are like a mattress!), they wouldn't let me have the real thing, as me room is too small. But everyday I look at that SLOW DOWN sign in the photo and I swell with pride.

I'm a winner, drongos. A fucking winner.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Tue 12 Nov 2013, 14:11, Reply)