Misanthropic ex-workmate
This mate of mine has come up with some classy ways of telling people off. It usually happens on buses as well...

We were once waiting to get off a packed bus which was stuck in traffic, standing near the exit doors. A short, fat Burberry-clad woman tried to muscle past him into the tiny space remaining. Being the man he is, instead of letting her in, he used his body as a barricade between the door and the errant passenger. He turned round to her and said in the driest tone you can imagine "What ... are... you ... doing?". "I need to get off, innit!" she replied, whilst trying to squirm past him.

The reaction was instantaneous. He looked at her with dead, cold eyes and said "Actually, you only *need* to shut up and calm down"

This patronising rebuke was enough to make her stop pushing and wait behind him like a scolded child until the bus reached the stop some minutes later.

The funniest example I can remember was when our bus driver was tearing along the route like a rally driver. My friend really hates this, so at the next red light, he paced up to the driver and said (in his standard condescending tone) "Oi, 'mate', what... are... you ... doing? It's a bus, not a sports car"

The bus driver replied, irritably, "I'm the driver, I know what I'm doing"

His immediate response has become legendary amongst my friends: "No mate, if you knew what you were doing, you wouldn't be *doing* what you're doing."

The open-mouthed driver pondered this fact for a few seconds, then his head dropped as he suddenly realised that his entire career was shit. Then the lights turned green. The bus pulled away slowly and we enjoyed the rest of the journey in limousine-smooth style.

Mind you, he's been punched in the face twice on buses as well. I wonder why...
( chart cat has an itch, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 18:31, Reply)