I told off this 55 year old woman a few weeks back,....
my god she got it good.

Heres the tale.... well the bits the cider hasn't blocked out.

I was at the Great Dorset Steam Fair (steam engines, loads and loads of scrumpy and 5 music tents and real ale etc) as i live close and if i don't go i can't get to work for the traffic.

Well, we were going to see Dr Busker, legendary victorian drinking song singer. The general theme is to drink beer and sing along - all 4000 of us in a massive real ale tent. Usual hits include "Santa clause (kevin boody wilson), Dicky dido", again the general theme is coarse language, sexual innuendo and choruses of "more beer, more beer, more beer" at half hourly intervals.

I had been in a prime postition amongst the drunken laggards and was readying myself (as i had since lunchtime) for them to come on at 9.30pm.

He came on, i drank and sang, and swayed and drank. Screaming "santa clause, you c*nt, wheres me f*cking bike......" and "one black one one white one, one with a bit of shite on, the hairs on her dicky dido hung down to her knees" along with everyone else.

Then i got my first nudge in the back. I ignored it as it was a gig and shit happens. Then again. then they purposely elbowed me. Then her husband ran at the back of me and shoved me about 3 feet on his way to the bar.

I couldn't take anymore and above the bawdy drinking songs i shouted "What the hell do you think you are doing. This behaviour is unacceptable in the extreme and not a reasonable reaction to any kind of provocation." She said "i was here before you" in a proper annoyed manner of indignance. And she claimed i had only just got there. which was quite untrue. I said "You are a disgrace to womankind and a liar to boot. For i have been here nearly 2 hours already, and am not ready to accept your physical abuse any longer this amounts to enough of a basis for criminal charges to be pressed if i so wish. If you continue i will call the security guards over. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO PROCEED" at which point she holds bakc the tears, fixes my gaze and stares with all her might holding on the the semblance of a notion she was right.

As everyone else around me creased up and cheered me.

I then turned back round and carried on drinking and singing along with "Beastiality's great mate, Beastialitys great, F*CK a WALLABY," (to the tune of tie me kangaroo down)

She persisted in standing about 6 inches from me, but could not even make eye contact.
For the rest of the 4 days we were there i saw her twice, and she just looked sheepishly at the ground.

I have never ever told someone off in such a manner. Normally i swear and cuss the whole way through but for some reason not one word to her was a swear.

If i wasn't 2 gallons of Widscombe SuiCider in i would have loved to have thought this through and been pleased with it. It just fell out of my mouth.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Fri 21 Sep 2007, 11:05, Reply)