fucking plod!
several years ago, while still living with my parents, i was going out with a boy i shall call arsehole, because he was one.
one night, arsehole and i were smoking some very fine weed by the train station, waiting for the last train. as we heard the train coming, arsehole passed the spliff to me and ran off to get the train.
i started walking home, enjoying my drugly goodness right down to the roach, which i threw into the gutter.
cue an horrendous screech of elderly rage from behind me: "you can't throw fag stumps there! my dog might eat them!" i turned around to see the wizened she-homunculus and her vile rat-faced hound(it was wearing a doggy coat and hat. stupid bitch.) glaring at me. "who do you think you are?" she yells, "children could pick that up and smoke it! you should be ashamed of yourself!"
being more than a little stoned, i decided that this harridan warranted an answer greater than the usual "sorry".
looking her squarely in the eye, i mustered every ounce of outraged dignity i had, and let rip.
"madam," says i, "it is hardly my fault if you cannot control your dog well enough to stop it eating cigarette ends. as for children, it is now 10.50 at night and they should all be at home. you, however, should be IN a home. please, take your poorly-dressed mongrel out of my sight before i eat it."
the look on her face was more than worth it. i left her spluttering with rage and continued on my way home.
i decided to walk through the park, which is very open and well-lit.
halfway through the park, however, i was rather surprised to see a car coming across the grass towards me. realising that it was a police car and that it was making a beeline for me, i decided to stop and wait for it to get to me. this seemed to infuriate the ginger plod therein, who had obviously been anticipating a chase. he slammed on the brakes and fairly catapulted himself out of the car, trying his best to look stern and officious.
this does not work with ginger hair.
"where do you think you're going?" he demanded. i had thought i was about to be pulled for scaring old women.
"home," i replied, pointing in the direction of my house.
"no you're not, you don't even live around here!"
this was a surprise to me, as i was fairly sure that i had lived there for over ten years.
"yes i do," i said, "i live at ** ******* street."
"you do not!" he roared, "i know the man who owns that house, he hasn't even got any kids!"
i took out my purse and produced my railcard. "then can you explain why my railcard says quite clearly that i do live there?" i asked.
"you cheeky little shit!" he yelled, white foam by now appearing at the corners of his mouth. "i'm going to follow you all the way there and then, when he says he doesn't know you, i'm going to arrest you for lying to a police officer!"
gotcha! thinks i. "feel free," i tells plod, "you're the one who's going to look foolish."
well, he did follow me. he pulled his car up right outside my house and got out. i had a key, but i wanted my parents to see and hear this, so i knocked. my mum answered the door. this was getting better and better. mum will not stand for bullying of any kind, especially from the police.
"mum, this policeman says i don't live here, and when i said i did and showed him my railcard, he called me a liar and said he was going to arrest me!" cue waterworks from me, as mother becomes irate to the point of steaming.
"HOW DARE YOU!" she screams at the cowering plod. "MY DAUGHTER IS NO LIAR! HOW DARE YOU HARRASS MY CHILD(i was 24) FOR NO REASON!"
plod is now attempting to stutter his apologies, but this does nothing to calm my irate parent, who demands his name and badge number. "you haven't heard the last of this, you can count on that!"
plod now makes his escape, his face redder than a baboon's arse. mum immediately phones the police station and demands to speak to a superior officer. after ten minutes of haranguing, my mother yells "my daughter had better get a full apology, or i'll press charges of harrassment!" and slams the phone down.
i got my apology. i've seen that ginger pig around the place a few times, he always makes sure that he fails to see me...

no apologies for length, i can take it.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 23 Sep 2007, 3:53, Reply)