Happy Motoring (part one)
A friend of mine was recently doing one of those 'first stage phone interviews’ where some HR shagstain or even worse, recruitment agency parasite tries to ascertain whether or not you are a total cretinous window licker with a brain the size of a gnat’s left bollock.

Anyway, he was doing this interview in his car, chugging merrily down some motorway (don’t worry, health and safety nazis everywhere, I’m sure he had his ‘hands free’ on and obeyed all proper road standards etc etc blah blah….well I’m not really sure, in fact I couldn’t give a rat’s ringer-stinger but hey ho).

Now my mate is one of the many (from what I’ve read on these pages) who turn from a fluffy, piglet type into a snarling, aggressive cock-piece with a total hatred of all lifeforms when he’s behind the wheel. Unfortunately, during this interview he was being delayed….a lot...in his opinion…by some obvious Neanderthal who had the bare-arsed cheek to drive at the designated speed limit and nothing more. What a bastard eh? He had to pay....

My mate realised however, that most employers don’t seem to be too keen on vicious, car-toting psychopaths….Thus was his dilemma….he chewed the rage back and got on with the interview.

It started going very well: “Oh yes, I’ve done this, I’ve achieved that, that’s no problem for me etc” he gushes, easing himself into the affections of the berk on the other end of the line.

The car in front of him ambles on…

My mate starts to feel a bit confident: “Well, I would approach that particular issue with a different point of view” he boldly states showing that he is not just a ‘yes man’ and would be a credit to any company, who would be lucky to have him.

He dabbles with a joke…sometimes a dodgy move …….but success! He gets a laugh from the interviewer and starts to think “this one’s in the bag!” Before long he has total confidence and control, the interview is turning into more of an informal conversation between buddies, involving some annoying details about a job - my mate is starting to see dollar-signs in his eyes regarding his salary package etc.

…Unfortunately, he then gets a bit TOO relaxed with the conversation…as the guy in front of him slows for no apparent reason…

“Oh yes”, he says, “I used to do that exact thing in my previous job, but took it to another level. In fact, I was single-handedly responsible for a turnover increase of WILL YOU PUT YOUR FUCKING FOOT DOWN, YOU FUCKING SLOW-ARSED CUNTSACK!”

……silence…..

“Ooooooh shit” thinks mate…

“Ahem, I’m sorry” he quivers, “I forgot who I was talking to then.”

“Oooh double-shit with sprinkles” he thinks now, as he realises that this comment has now made him look not only like a rampaging road-rage rectum-face, but an absent-minded one at that.

…..silence…..

“I really don’t think that was appropriate behaviour…erm…we’ll get back to you” says the shell-shocked cock-spot on the phone, his voice drifting off before hanging up

Suffice to say, they didn’t get back to him.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 24 Sep 2007, 12:43, Reply)