Mad Cat Woman

I got bollocked by the joyless, stern-faced, mean-spirited old bitch who runs my local cat shelter.

My girlfriend and I bought two kittens from her last month. Cute little cunts, bless ‘em, but no end of hassle to be honest.

Anyway. We went along to this shelter, had a look at the cats, and decided on these two poor little critters that had been treated very badly by some stupid fucking shithead.

I’ve never had a cat before, so I was asking this woman her advice about feeding, cleaning, medical treatment, etc. All she was interested in was slagging off vets, insurance companies, pet food manufacturers, and anyone else she’s ever had to deal regarding her animals.

I just wanted to get the fuck out of there, so was desperately trying to nail down some answers and minimise her ranting. For example:

Me: So how often do we feed them, and what type of food is best?

Mad Cat Woman: You should feed them a couple of times a day, and leave biscuits out so they can always feed if they’re hungry. Only use these types of biscuits. The others are inferior, and over-priced. The food companies are only interested in making as much profit as possible, they don’t care about the well-being of the cats, as LONG AS THEY SELL THEIR RUBBISH FOOD, THEY’RE HAPPY! OH, THEY SAY IT’S HIGH QUALITY PRODUCT, BUT YOU’LL SOON SEE WHEN YOUR KITTEN ISN’T…

Me: OK, OK. Right. Got it. That type of biscuit. Thanks. What about fleas and tics? How do I deal with them?

Mad Cat Woman: Use this spray for fleas and tics. When you go to the vet, they’ll try and sell you this one drop product which they claim kills all pests for 3 months. That’s what they say of course. But that’s not what happens, is it? WHAT I WOULD LIKE IS ONE OF THOSE VETS TO COME HERE AND SEE HOW WELL HIS PRODUCT WORKS EVEN ONE MONTH AFTER IT’S USED! OH IT’S VERY EXPENSIVE OF COURSE, AND GOD KNOWS IT COMES IN SOME VERY FANCY PACKAGING! BUT WHAT GOOD IS THAT IF IT DOESN’T WORK, HMM? HMM? £24 FOR EACH DOSE??!! I DON’T THINK THESE PEOPLE EVEN HAVE CATS OF THEIR OWN! IF THEY DID, THEY’D SOON SEE…

Me: Fine, fine. Flea spray then. Forget the drops. I understand. (lower voice) Jesus Christ Almighty. (raise voice) What about neutering?

Mad Cat Woman: Yes it is very important to neuter females. If you don’t, if she is ever upset, she will spray all over your curtains and furniture.

Me: Sounds just like my girlfriend.

Mad Cat Woman: ………

Me: It was a joke

Mad Cat Woman: Looking after mistreated cats is not a laughing matter…

…and on and on she went. About how I needed a great deal of maturity to be a good owner, a quality which I appeared to be lacking. Blah blah blah. Luckily, my girlfriend, who is a veteran of dealing with the fall-out from these positions I find myself in, managed to diffuse the situation, and we walked away with the kittens.

I think I might print this out, and send her a copy with the following footnote.

Dear Annie Wilkes,

Here’s an idea. Get a fucking sense of humour and try and make some human friends. That way, the police won’t one day be called in to examine the smell coming from your house, only to discover dozen of cats feeding on your bloated, rotting corpse.

Cunt.
(geegee, Mon 24 Sep 2007, 13:09, Reply)