M11! Rain! BMW! Cock!
I kipped at a friends place in Braintree on Sun night and had to brave the M11/M25 for my journey into work yesterday morning. Normally, I'd be looking at 45mins to 1 hour tops, however a rainstorm of biblical proportions ensured that numptyism was commonplace.

Sure enough, just after Stanstead Airport, the traffic ground to a standstill.

"For fuck's sake!" I hissed

Fifteen minutes later and having moved a whopping quarter of a mile (the front line at the Somme was known to move faster) I'm guessing that some tit has fallen off the road and generously decided to create a massive tailback for everyone else. Now what sort of selfish twunt would do something like that?

"You fucking cockworm!"

Sure enough, I see a BMW wheeltrim leaning pathetically against the central reservation. The mangled remains of a 1998 BMW 325i with optional Sports Pack is sat on the side of the carriageway. I know this because having seen so many mangled BMWs on the motorway I can identify the exact model type from the most obscure of angles.

So what pissed me off the most? Was it the rubbernecking? Was it the fact that I was queueing in traffic half the morning?

No. It was the fact that the driver was smugly sat by the side of the road, calmly enjoying a cigarette. For a delay of that length of time I at least expect to see him in a neckbrace. I'm not evil or anything but the thought of the police turning up at his mum's house saying "I'm very sorry Mrs Partrub, but your son was too much of a bell end to drive a car properly" was vaguely satisfying.

The urge to insult the chaos causing little twunt was too much. I found myself pouring out a tirade in my car.

"You fucking stupid little cockwank! Why can't you just drive your pathetic Bavarian overcompensation for a tiny penis in your knobbing lane and not fall off the road like everyone else manages to do, you spoddy, snivelling little piss stain!"

That told him.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 25 Sep 2007, 12:00, Reply)