Ack.
(see answers for And That Was The Thanks I Got, and Barred for most of my answer).

Text message: "I've just let &name; bugger me!" Niiice. Put me right off my bowl of ramen.

(I have many more like this first one, gaz me if you want more... some of them are not for the fainthearted but are all relevantly disgusting.)

Stalker Boy: Ooh dear I'm wearing my evil pants!
Me: Evil pants? What are you on about?
Stalker Boy: Well. Is what happened is, I bought these pants from Marks and Spencers and they don't sit right on David Dickinson*. They make him go all funny! It's too hot and it makes my balls all sweaty.
Me: *trying very hard not to heave* Ahhh. Well, perhaps you should go home and change?
Stalker Boy: OR, I could just not wear any pants and show David Dickinson to Rachael**
Me: Yeah, I'm sure she'd love that. I have to leave now.

He repeated this experience in Paris with my parents. This was the summer people died in Paris during a heatwave, but all the same. It wasn't till we went to Spain the twunt discovered they actually had cardboard inside which was chafing him.

And also in Spain:

Stalker Boy: Oooh dear that omelette on the plane must have been off...
Me: It's airline food, I told you it would be bad.
Stalker Boy: No no no it's an Airbus A320 with MyTravel, they cook all their food to British hygiene standards, I know because it was on Airport! Anyway I just had diarrhoea in the bathroom.
Me: The one we're sharing? Oh you have got to be kidding me. You utter twat.
Stalker Boy: Calm down dear... it's a commercial... I ran the shower for ten minutes and the steam took away all the smell.

Perhaps if he hadn't been huge I'd have lobbed him off the balcony.

* Just... don't ask.
** Slaggy girl in our year who either fancied him or was even more disturbed than I thought
( Maladicta, Thu 6 Sep 2007, 20:38, Reply)