The best mate of doom
I met him on my first day at infant school, where we proceeded to beat the crap out of each other and as boys often do we became best buddies.
Fast forward to age 17 and we are still best mates even though he has been ruining my social life for the last 13 years. We are now running a mobile disco with him doing the driving and me doing the DJ'ing. This was 40 years ago mind when we still used 7" singles etc and the light show consisted of a few coloured bulbs. We got booked for a real posh wedding at a big house and with a huge marquee in the garden.
I had a word with him and suggested he had a shave and a wash and spruced himself up a bit and he appeared on the night in a pair of his dads trousers and a jacket reminiscent of the ones tramps enjoy wearing. As this was a huge improvement on his normal appearance I kept any thoughts to myself.

The evening went well and all seemed fine. I left him loading the last items into the van and went into the house to collect our fee. I collected the cash and was asked to have a drink by the happy couple. So it was that I was standing chatting with them, champagne in hand, when my mate makes his entrance. He walks in and the room goes silent as he enters, because hanging from his jacket is a thread and dragging along attached to said thread is a piece of his jackets lining liberally smeared with shit.

Seeking to save the situation I grabbed his elbow and said "come on we need to get home" his response was "well if these two aren't nipping off for a shag yet I don't see why we have to rush off"
Amidst the even more deafening silence that followed this I dragged him out of there and showed him his attachment. He just shrugged and said "well all the loo paper had gone".

I have recently after over 50 years finally ended our friendship and not because of his lack of social skills, but because he has over the years become a racist, sexist, homophobic bigot and I realised that I really disliked him.
(Stunt slug If God existed I'd want to fight him, Fri 20 Sep 2013, 22:25, 1 reply)

It took you 50 years to realise he was an unbearable cunt?
Are you a bit retarded?
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sat 21 Sep 2013, 10:05, closed)