Second-Degree Murder
I was once on a murder jury in Arizona. The murderer was riding a motorcycle with his mate's girlfriend, when they were beset by two off-duty paramedics. A complicated 30-second brawl evolved, featuring bluff and counter-bluff, threat and counter-threat.

Conclusively figuring out blame in this situation would be hard. The murderer stipulated he had shot the victim (which was a relief to us, because it considerably-shortened the trial), but said it was a matter of self-defense. The prosecutors argued otherwise. Our purpose was to determine the degree of blame.

In a tough-on-crime initiative, the Arizona state legislature had recently made the definition so airtight that a determination of second-degree murder was theoretically impossible to reach. If the murderer had a moment to reflect, we had to determine that it was first-degree murder. It need only be a moment. It need only be 'the space between two consecutive thoughts.'

A Surprise Witness presented himself to the court after the trial had started. The first question put to him concerned when he realized a brawl was occurring. He testified he heard someone say "Hey, Fuckhead!" He was asked what he thought when he heard that, and he explained he started looking all around because that was HIS nickname among close friends. (So, he was Bellend #1.)

Fuckhead further testified he saw the murderer point the pistol at the paramedic, turn away, then turn back and fire. In deliberation, the First-Degree caucus argued that there was plenty of time here for more than two consecutive thoughts.

The majority of the jury was composed of less-righteous people, however. They were convinced that all the antagonists were Bellends, with thought processes clouded by fear and rage. Who says how long it takes a bunch Bellends to process consecutive thoughts anyway? Their opinion was it might take a long time. So, notwithstanding law-tightening by a gang of righteous, Bellend authoritarians like Arizona legislators, we quickly convicted the fellow of Second-Degree Murder.

Our determination caused dismay alike with the Defense, who were convinced we could determine nothing more severe than Manslaughter, and the Prosecution, who believed that it was an outrage that a public servant like a paramedic could be gunned down on the street and the perpetrator not suffer the maximum consequences. The Bellend Judge was furious too. He had a reputation of being a Hanging Judge (and had himself pointed a gun at a burglar in his own home that week), and we had taken away his Hanging Power.

The only people who were happy with the verdict were the people on the jury. I suppose we were the Bellends, but sometimes that's what you have to be when dealing with a world of dicks.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Sun 22 Sep 2013, 5:58, 3 replies)

The Lumet Fonda version was better.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 22 Sep 2013, 8:55, closed)

These Star Wars puns are getting really bloody hard to follow.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sun 22 Sep 2013, 9:54, closed)