Naked Drunken Kiwi
This one happened in the same house as that I shared with the by-this-time-ex-gf-and-by-that-time-ex-fiancee-too, featured as the then-current GF who's Dad got an eyeful of my tackle in the previous tale. I was visiting mates in the town and the ex was on a night out with her mates, and I had arranged to crash in the spare room at her place. By this time I had come out and was a fully-functional gayer.

It was about 1:30am and I was back at the ex's place enjoying a quiet bedtime dooby in the backyard when the ex called my mobile asking if I was still up. On hearing that I was, she asked that I remained so and assumed the mantle of housemate as she and one of her mates were bringing back a couple of randoms and she wanted a male presence there to make sure they didn't get difficult. Least I can do, I thought.

So about an hour later they arrived. One of the randoms was a nice enough and fairly cute but slighly odd bloke and the other was this 6-foot Kiwi (fuck knows where they found one in that town), absolutely trolleyed but built like a brick shithouse and also cute with it - very much my type, so I was a little jealous. The Kiwi was 'allocated' to the ex's mate and the ex didn't much fancy the other one so it was agreed that I should keep him entertained whilst the ex went to bed and then ensure that he left without incident.

Not long after this arrangement was set, the ex and her mate called me and this guy in from the yard where I'd been sharing a freshly-prepared toke with him and quietly beckoned us to the living room door. I peered inside and saw this Kiwi, bollock naked, passed-out and draped across the sofa, snoring softly. The ex's mate also went off the idea of some random bouncing at this point and we left him to it, though a few times I considered seeing how he'd react to a rude awakening of a certain sort. The image still gives me a faint trouser tickle even now. I was pleased to note that despite his size his tackle, whilst fairly respectable, was noticeably smaller than mine - a fact that the decidedly tipsy ex gleefully shared with those present. Not knowing that the ex and I were once an item, I got a funny look from the other guy for that one :)

In the end we took pity on him and threw a blanket over him. The girls went to bed and I got this other guy quite, quite stoned before setting him on his way. I had one last check on the Kiwi on the sofa before I myself retired to the spare room. The girls were sharing the ex's bed just in case they needed to raise the alarm should the Kiwi go a-wandering. I drifted off to sleep with a very pleasant image fixed in my mind that night.

I was hoping for another eyeful in the morning but it wasn't to be as whilst he was still there snoring away when I arose, he'd managed to hold on to the blanket we put over him. He stirred as I pottered through the living room and asked what time it was.

"It's just before ten, mate" I replied.
"Where the fuck am I, anyway?" He asked, blearily taking in the unfamiliar surroundings.
"You came here with my housemate and her friend last night..."
"Ah, right" he said, a little confused as most likely there's a girl nearby when he wakes up in situations like this.
"...whereupon you stripped bollock-naked and passed out right there." I said with a grin.
"Oh. Sorry about that, mate."
"Don't worry about it, nothing I haven't seen before." I said with a slightly wider grin.

He began gathering his clothes and I left him to make himself decent, with some small regret on my part. I skinned up some breakfast and offered him a toke in the yard, which he gratefully accepted. We spent about 20 minutes shooting the breeze, or more accurately filling the gaps in his memory of the previous night. I mentioned my curiosity as to what the hell a New Zealander was doing in the shitty backwater that was my hometown. Turns out he was staying with a mate who had moved here years ago and somehow gotten separated from them on a night out, eventually 'pulling these two hotties' (my ex and her friend I assumed - perhaps he thought he was in for some menage a trois action - trying it would have seen him getting his bollocks removed by immaculately-manicured fingernails, so it's prob just as well he passed out) which is where the gaps in his memory began to show. Once he'd finished his coffee and the spliff, called him a cab and set him on his way also. The girls got up a little later and after I'd filled them in on what little they'd missed, they seemed suprised that I hadn't tried it on with him.

Despite my demonstrated honourability, that night is one of my what-if moments. I don't try it on with folk who are smashed as I'm not the type to take advantage, and I don't try it on with straight blokes because it seems too much like hard work lol, but all the same I wonder what might have transpired if he'd had that rude awakening I fancied treating him to. I console myself with the most likely possibility, that being he would have probably twatted me :)
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Fri 29 May 2009, 10:40, Reply)