In 2001
I worked in a hotel abroad. The place was small (eight rooms), beautifully situated, under-staffed, and run by a pair of cokeheads.

Most of the time the guests were fairly normal - the American lesbian couple who got so bored with the incessant rain during their stay that they bought weed off the cook and spent most of their stay monged out in their room, the Norwegians who enthusiastically swum in the lake every morning, even the new age guru from London who insisted that our chi (or whatever) was all out of line and that we needed to feng shui our heads to realign our ley lines and get our karmic balance back in sync. That we were permanently pissed or high, as well as exhausted from 16-18 hour days, wasn't a factor apparently.

Anyway, nudity. As I said the owners were drugged up to the eyeballs, frequently taking all the petty cash so they could go buy ecstasy pipes to get smashed out of their trees. Every night they would hold court at the dinner table, regaling the guests with tales of god knows what as we prepared and brought out food.

One night dinner wound up later than expected. It was 10pm and pitch black outside, I was the last one up, mopping up the kitchen before heading back to my tent. I noticed that the lights in the dining room / bar were still on so I went in to turn them off.

The owner was almost at the vinegar strokes. His pasty white belly and chest were heaving as he pounded away at his wife's spongy backside, small dew drops of sweat hanging on to the sparse greying ginger chest hair, the roll of fat around her middle wobbling like the proverbial jelly on the plate. Her face was pressed hard down against the tiled floor by one of his scrawny hands, the other was desperately clawing around underneath her, like a blind man trying to find a plum in a barrel of pork fat. I stood there, mop in hand, for a few seconds... long enough to register the blood seeping from her nose as she requested that he 'do me harder'. I ran away, bile churning in my stomach, ran all the way to my tent where I hid until the next morning.

A few weeks later a group of German tourists on a marriage guidance week turned up. We had 16 Germans, all of who were experiencing marital difficulties, wandering naked and semi naked throughout the place. One guy of about 60 wandered around in a pair of leopard print speedos, looking to all intents and purposes like and elderly German paedophile.

A few days after they arrive the... arguments... were getting a bit hard to deal with (although to call them arguments is an understatement - we're talking knife throwing, plate smashing, so angry I'm going to kill you rages here). One evening a group of the Germans had dinner on the lower terrace. I'd been down to serve their food, brought them multiple bottles of wine and figured that everything was going well. When the time came to clear away the plates I return to the terrace and am treated to the sight of a tired pair of Germans shagging on the table. Discreetly manoeuvring myself away I found myself confronted with Mr. Leopardskin Speedos, only he was now wearing a purple erection and flip flops, and had been clearly fwaping off to the other couple. Where his wife was I have no idea.

I quit shortly afterwards.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Fri 29 May 2009, 13:48, 4 replies)

*click*
Not so much 'I like this' as 'I am traumatised by the mental images which you have bestowed upon me.' Beautifully written, if extremely vivid...
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 29 May 2009, 14:03, closed)

As a great man once said...
...'What the hell is wrong with German people?'
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Fri 29 May 2009, 14:08, closed)

ecstasy pipes!
you get a click just for that, my old clarky cat.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 29 May 2009, 14:31, closed)

I "something" this.
Like is the wrong word. But I admire your use of the phrase "blind man trying to find a plum in a barrel of pork fat." Although, I'm trying hard to think of something to erase the image in my mind.
(cheez is feeling ergophobic, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 16:37, closed)