tracking down the funny
During the nineties I spent a lot of time in airport departure lounges. As a teenager I would often read viz magazine and the like (smut, zit, etc).

On one occasion a copy of viz was bought to see me through a few hours waiting at Glasgow airport (home of the most hilarious terrorist attack in history).

Anyhoo, johnny fartpants was up to his usual and did the sexist was proving yet again how difficult it is being a virgin in Newcastle. So far, so Viz. Then it happened. I read what I consider to be one of the funniest things in existence. I had to stop half way through as I was in tears, snorting and laughing at this fine piece of comedy. Due to my then nomadic existence I eventually lost it. This saddened me greatly as it was, to my mind, so funny I would have liked to revisit it from time to time.

It stayed with me and after being introduced to Google in 2000 I have typed the words "jilly goolden" and "jelly tube train" into Google about once a year in the hope that some kind souls would havevreproduced the article in full.

Only took me a decade of perseverence to find it on a sailing forum no less.

Here is the link but I will put the whole thing on the replies. Enjoy!

forums.sailinganarchy.com/index.php?showtopic=104610&st=25
(last post)
(OTT, Sat 15 Oct 2011, 7:37, 13 replies)

i especially like the brando reference!
Food & Drunk with JILLY GOOLDEN

(This week, Jilly recommends her favourite hangover for under 15 Pounds Sterling.)

3 bottle of Nigerian Cabernet Sauvignon, 1/2 bottle Woods Navy Rum, 4 tines of White Lightning, 1 bottle of cooking sherry. - Morrisson, 14.49 Pounds Sterling.

I AWOKE with this hangover with a distinct taste in my mouth, I was getting cupro-nickel, like sucking a handful of old two-pense pieces. The back of my front teeth were coated with sulphurous fur, like on a bee's back.

I tried to lift my head from the pillow, but I was getting rhythmic pulsating throbs, as in an all-in wrestler was trying to force sausage meat behind my eyes.

And there was a strong bouquet. I was getting Parmesan cheese and bad eggs, a sort of putrid, acrid smell like a dairy farmer's slippers.

Then I realised my hair and ears were stuck to the pillow with congealed vomit. I swung my legs over the side of my bed and sat there waiting for my brain to catch up. I became aware of a strange feeling in my stomach. It was like Marlon Brando wearing a jumper soaked in sea water, trying to kick start a diesel Harley Davidson Fat Boy in two feet of porridge. I was getting hippopotamus's tongue licking canal water off my kidneys mixed with the Keystone Cops made out of omelette being chased out of my arse by a jelly tube train full of lead bricks. It was all in there.

And I was sweating like a Mother's Pride processed cheese sandwich wrapped in cling film and pressed into a driving instructor's arse stuck in a traffic jam on a hot bank holiday.

When my brain caught up with my eyes, I was in a kaleidoscope. There was an increasing pressure in my head, culminating in an explosion of hot light behind one eye.

I was getting a sudden massive increase in heart rate accompanied by a terrifying spiral of anxiety, like a shark in a washing machine eating its own tail.

And for such a spicy hangover it had a very long finish. I was spewing Fairly Liquid till after tea time, and the feelings of depression and remose lasted well into the next day.

Obviously for 15 pounds sterling, it's not the most explosive hangover I've ever had, but it was cheeky and unpretentious and the ideal accompaniment to a few tentative sips from a cup of water. Very good value. ***

(from Viz Magazine, Issue 97, Aug/Sep 99)
(OTT, Sat 15 Oct 2011, 7:39, closed)

Silly Jilly
I remember a female impressionist did a wonderful take off of the over pretentious pseud Jilly Goolden on TV one night,it went something like this "I'm getting hay meadows, I'm getting strawberries , I'm getting blackberries , I'm getting on your tits aren't I?"
Oh yes Jilly, you sure did!
(Mackeson_drinker, Sat 15 Oct 2011, 7:49, closed)

It
Was on Smith and Jones. I still have it on video somewhere
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Mon 17 Oct 2011, 11:19, closed)

Saw her on the Clive Anderson show around that time
He had her doing a demonstration of wine tasting, with lots of discussion about holding it in your mouth, swirling it around a bit, savouring it, spitting and NEVER swallowing, and so on. Went on for at least 10 minutes.

She and Anderson were both deadpan but the audience were in hysterics. I am 100% certain that she had no idea that she was being sent up. Among the best bits of live TV I've ever seen.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sat 15 Oct 2011, 8:34, closed)

Sandi Toksvig
was on a show with her and of course because Jilly was there they had to have a wine tasting session. Sandi was deliberately pulling all sorts of peculiar faces while she was tasting it , drawing her cheeks in, slurping, crossing her eyes . Again the audience were in hysterics and like you say, I am sure Jilly had no idea she was being sent up at that time either.
(Mackeson_drinker, Sat 15 Oct 2011, 13:54, closed)

So, your story is 'I read something in Viz once'?

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 15 Oct 2011, 21:00, closed)

indeed good sir
In the same way as your reply is "i am a fahking bell end what can't read a story about tracking down a ten year old viz article"

Kiss my shiny poop chute you cretinous distraction.

And now to track down this diesel Harley Davidson fatboy.
(OTT, Sat 15 Oct 2011, 23:04, closed)

Sorry, 'it's I read something and then I read it again' then?

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 17 Oct 2011, 21:22, closed)

question or statement
Make your mind up!

And you fucked up your quotation marks as well.

Fuck off back to primary school and take your creepy qotw archive with you.
(OTT, Mon 17 Oct 2011, 23:00, closed)

There's three grammatical errors in that post.
You can fuck off if you're if think you're sitting on the back seat with the cool kids.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 20:59, closed)

clickey for you
Incredibly well put
(OTT, Wed 19 Oct 2011, 9:47, closed)

In tears befroe I got past "three bottles of Nigerian Cabernet Sauvignon"....
....never mind "Keystone Cops made out of omlette..". Sadly Viz was never the same after over-reaching themselves with 10 issues a year.
(El Foxerino, Sat 15 Oct 2011, 9:53, closed)

At the risk of degenerating into "The funniest thing I ever read in VIZ", I give you
Jump-Jet Fanny And Her Hawker-Siddley Twat

Young Fanny Farnsworth was the luckiest girl alive, because she was born with a vertical take-off engine up her minge!
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Mon 17 Oct 2011, 12:42, closed)