Where to begin?
1. Physics teacher - mad as a badger and then some. Easily distracted by anything and everything. Wore the same Wallace & Gromit tie every day until he got bored with it and swapped it for his solar system tie. Cycled to school in neon yellow cycling gear during the petrol crisis. Was obsessed with the Tour de France, Sophie Ellis-Bextor ("She is a goddess!"), Star Trek, anything kinky. Was also obsessed with Mussolini, to the extent that if his name was mentioned he would goose-step around his lab crying "Il DUCE!" at the top of his voice. He kept an egg-shaped red light in his darkroom that he referred to as 'the Orb' and anyone who entered had to 'hail to the Orb' before you could do anything. And the best one? We had a wasp in the lab one day, and instead of opening a window and letting it out, he fetched a can of the ice spray used to freeze components in circuits, and froze the wasp to death. Mr H, I salute you.

2. German teacher - bald Bavarian Gollum lookalike naturist, who openly admitted to tying up his wife and the fact he wore a skirt at weekends. Made us listen to a German version of Tom Lehrer, though not as funny, would go off on endless rants about Goethe and things that were nothing to do with our course, and made endless references to having sex with his wife. I made it my mission to never be in a room on my own with him.

3. Latin teacher - used to bang a pebble on the desk when he wanted everyone's attention, used sarcasm instead of raising his voice and once tried to smoke a piece of chalk. Legend.

4. Domestic Science teacher - hated everyone who could answer one of her questions. Used to barge people out of the way by yelling "BEEP BEEP!" rather than "Excuse me!". Had no idea about personal/food hygiene, and her chopping boards were always filthy. I never ate anything I made in there.

5. Chemistry teacher - set fire to herself and flirted with anything male.

6. Biology teacher - would recite the entire Parrot Sketch word-for-word if asked nicely.

7 - French teachers - all insane.

8 - History teacher - school slut.

9 - Games teacher - put a then about 4'5 me in goal with the tallest girl in the year for a house netball match. We got slaughtered and everyone blamed me.
( Maladicta, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 21:46, Reply)