The Worst Teacher I Have Ever Known
Even though I'm pretty sure truth is an absolute defence when it comes to libel I'm getting a little nervous, so this story is about Mr. R, one of my history teachers. I have been witness to many of these events or heard them from sources I deem to be trustworthy and they all add up to the worst teacher I have ever known.

First off I'm presuming he had some sort of medical condition but this man (in his sixties) had the largest pair of breasts I have ever seen (Lola Ferrari included). They were simply a wonder to behold. Also he possessed a translucent white moustache. If you looked directly at it until your eyes watered you still couldn't see it, look past the side of his head however and it appeared like some sort of magic eye picture.

Anyway, his crimes were numerous. Some of the lesser ones included historically describing France as Britain's "nigger in the woodpile" in front of a class containing several black pupils. He harangued a deaf/mute girl for five minutes for not answering a question in class. He failed to notice for a good five minutes that one of the scrubbier students had turned up drunk and was lying face down in a pile of his own vomit (I'll let him off that one).

My worst experience with him was when he told me within five minutes of meeting me that "I wouldn't have a cat in hells chance of passing my a-levels". He went on to try and prove this when I had to drop out of school due to illness. He was booked, through the council (good money then), to turn up and teach me an hour a week at my house. He turned up the first time and then nothing for the next 20 weeks! The next time I saw him was entering my A-Level exam where he mumbled something about being sorry for not turning up but said I'd do alright anyway. Yeah, no thanks to you you big titted twat.

His most hilarious moment, however, was when one of my friends handed an assignment in late. He thought long and hard about a suitable punishment and decided a detention was best. Detention for an entire year. Erm, right. Strangely my mates parents complained and he had to back down. He was not done yet though. A couple of weeks later he was refereeing one of the inter-house football matches that the same mate was playing in. Due to lack of skill from the other team my mate scored ten times. Mr. R found a way of disallowing seven of them. Mr. R? Mr. Sly more like.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Thu 10 Nov 2005, 14:03, Reply)