"My name is Dr Gu1ldford (said geel-forr in a french way) . . .
You may call me Dr Gu1ldf0rd, Mr Gu1ldf0rd or Dr J0n4th4n Gu1ldf0rd . . . "

The opening speech of the supply treacher filling in for our (cool, but a bit weird) French teacher did not make the greatest impression. We were nearing GCSE French and still he was deeply patronising, explaining simple French over and over again.
Even to the parents at one Parents' Evening:
'Tres bien. Tres means very. Bien means good. So very good'

His abortive attempts at disciplining people who shifted desks behind his back: "Silence! (french pronunciation) When I say silence (French pron.), I mean silence (Eng. pron.)' which added to the patronising moron image.

He wore murky green colour-coordinated tie and trousers, a blue graph paper patterned shirt and a red jacket.

There was also Mr M05t0n. He really was a hopeless excuse for a man. It sometimes took hours to work out basic maths e.g. 'So x squared is 25, and x is . . . .' We would regularly just turn the tables round and ignore him, talking amongst ourselves. He took Hockey and once got a black eye from a girl smacking a puck into his face.

One night stands out though. He was on duty at my boarding house and everyone was taking the piss as always. Someone (name omitted to protect the guilty) shouted down the corridor to him 'JUST1N M0ST0N!!! Come here now! I want to have your babies! And bum Hugh!' He turned up in our rooms and sentenced the perpetrator to work outside in the corridor, where he was marking work (which we regularly stole when he was out of the room). Perpetrator was able to stand at the windowsill next to him, SMOKING A FAG out the window, and he never noticed.

A mention also for my history teacher who is permatanned so as to be permanently orange (so known as Agent Orange or Mr Walnut, a play on his real name)
or sometimes brick red, with his expansive forehead shedding skin in flakes. He is a Tory and a foreign member of the US Republican party - he was once seen in a tie emblazoned with GOP elephants.

Also a Northern classics teacher who is hopelessly incompetent, once confessed to his class that he wanted to be a cricketer but they said he was too fat, and once went prowling through the bushes of the garden outside the classroom because someone said they had seen a dubious absentee out there, wanking in the bushes.

Also I heard yesterday my old maths teacher at prep school was sent down for paedophilia. But I don't know if it's true.

Edit: now with H4xX0r libel (slander?) protection.

Did he apologise for length?
(Radio Free iPods "Fickt nicht mit dem Raketenmensch!", Tue 15 Nov 2005, 23:05, Reply)