New Age Office Toss
SpankyHanky's post reminded me of a great day of management-wankery that I was forced to endure...

As part of a highly-motivated (sorry, that should read borderline-psychotic) technical support team, it was deemed that I and my colleagues should undergo stress management training. Presumably this was the brainchild of the HR director who had previously tried to fire a colleague for not turning up to a meeting she had scheduled on the first floor - he was in a wheelchair and there was no lift in the building...

However, we were told to report to the training building (or, more accurately, miserable portakabin the other side of the car park) to undergo our training.

I don't know what set the tone more: the simpering 20 stone woman dressed in what she thought was bohemian business attire (but whom actually looked like an over-stuffed laura ashely sofa with perfume spilled on it), the "inspirational" posters she'd put on the wall (see www.despair.com and think of the non-ironic version), or the "ambient" music she had playing (it sounded like one of those "Celtic Moods" CDs you see for £2.99 at a petrol station).

We were told to sit down whilst she gave a lecture on how Christmas, weddings and house moves were the most stressful events you face, with work being right up there, too. She then said she could teach us how to beat stress (whilst failing to see the fact we were a) off the phonelines, b) had just had lunch and, c) had been able to sneak in an extra fag break meant we were as relaxed as could be).

We were told to lean back, relax, close our eyes and imagine we were walking in a forest, at which point she told us a stroy about walking by a river, listening to the wind in the trees, etc...

Now, I think the fact that ten of us took the opportunity to get 40 winks in at full pay after a heavy lunch and a couple of lunchtime beers escaped her, as the sound of snoring, slow flatulence and the occasional snort as people woke up before they fell off their chair didn't seem to phase her. In fact, she positively beamed at how marvellously we had de-stressed.

Sadly, I woke up and, because I was sitting in a beam of sunlight, couldn't doze off again and had to wait for the godawful CD to end.

I had to take a coffee break and have a smoke just to get over the trauma of her attempting to give an unrequested neck massage that felt like she was trying to knead bread.

So, there you go - a room full of techies bored witless by a scheme designed to help them unwind. A few of us ended up more wound-up than ever due to the happy-clappy attitude of the person supposedly sent to unwind us all.

Still, it managed to waste ten minutes of a dull day today typing the story into b3ta - huzzah!
(Chad, Wed 14 Jan 2009, 15:23, 2 replies)

Despair is a fantastic website
We used to have the non-ironic versions of these posters all over the office.

A few copies of the Despair equivalents left randomly on the notice board, and the originals were soon binned.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 14 Jan 2009, 15:30, closed)

Like it.
Unfortunately I know from experience exactly the sort of session you had there. Management types really are fuckwits sometimes.
( SpankyHanky, Wed 14 Jan 2009, 15:43, closed)