Cold hard floor
This one will stay with me for a long time.

It was September 2005 and I'd just had my relationship with a lovely girl ended by her, mainly cos things just weren't working etc, you've all heard the drill. We're just good friends and all that jazz. Quality girl though, now one of my best mates. i digress.

It was Monday night at our uni, the main cattle-market, and, much to my joy, the first Monday of Freshers night, and, to make it even better, school disco night. Cue lots of short short SHORT skirts, low cut blouses and jail-bait for all the world to see. There were so many women, i just HAD to bag a fresher. Didn't I?

A few hours in and all is not going to plan. Girls are rejecting my spurious advances and sidling awkwardly out of my way. Damn, Maybe I'm just desperate. fuck it, i thought, who cares, I'll just get wasted. Which i proceeded to do, until 'she' caught my eye.

Standing there, smoking and looking a bit pissed off, was Ann-Marie (name not changed, you'll find out why later. No, she's not dead. As far as I know). An attractive red-head, odd but nice enough. And plus I was fucked. So I started dancing near her, then one thing led to another and we were tonguing each others tonsils like there was no tomorrow. So far, so good. But then it all started to get a little strange.

I should have seen it coming when the first thing she said to me was 'you're coming home wi' me tonight' in a crazy Ulster accent. incidentally, i love the Ulster accent and it gives me the horn, even with guys (it's never the 'wrong' pub with me;)), but there was a certain something odd about her voice.

I should have seen it coming when she bent over in front of me and touched her toes before grinding onto my rather surprised cock, all in the middle of the dancefloor, in front of a bouncer who just gave me the ultimate 'wtf' look.

Perhaps i should have even seen it coming when she started parading me to all her friends who were waiting for taxis after the bar had closed.

But no. In true Pacman style, i had to wait until it was too late.

We got back to hers, and sat smoking weed with her housemates, no harm done, they were pretty sound, nice black girl, ultra-camp guy, that kind of 'performing' house. ABBA on the stereo. No harm done.

The she disappeared and returned wearing nothing but a turquoise blue nightie (hmmm) and proceeded to eat a block of cheese. Now, i cannot stand cheese, unless it's mozzarella and on a pizza. This was cheddar. How am i supposed to kiss her now, i thought? I prayed for her to have another cigarette. She did.

we eventually went upstairs, doubts are really starting to sink in by this point, but I realise I might as well do the deed, as I've got no way of finding my way back to my house, which is a good 7 miles away. We start making out, hot and heavy, except I'm feeling a bit awkward.

I started grinding on her, and she declared that she had already come. Okay....

She slipped a condom on my now diminishing member and started to suck me off with sheath covering my manhood. Hang on, aren't you supposed to take... oh, never mind.

We started having sex, and she was making bizarre 'ooh' and 'ahh' noises, really odd sounding. She was also rather 'well-exercised', but only in a loose way. Most unsavoury.

After a while I decide that I just can't be bothered, tense up for a bit and pull out. Worst shag ever. Still is, years later.

Alas, if only it had ended there. I crashed out on her bed, and she started to cuddle me. More and more ferociously, then she began to grab my flaccid cock. What are you doing?! We've finished! What the devil is wrong with you woman?!! I shrugged her off but she continued, to the point where I could take no more. I slept on her floor. her hard, cold floor, with only my shirt to keep me covered. it didn't work very well. I eventually got to sleep at about 4, and awoke at 5. Lovely. I lay there and waited for the clock to tick by, most agonising wait of my life, and then got up at half seven and left to get back to uni. Bugger.

I still told people that I was some kind of sex hero, and no-one knew the truth until a few months later. I'm up the bar again, this time in march 2006, and I get chatting to her housemates. having not seen her for six months, i enquire of her whereabouts.

Oh, they say, she doesn't live here any more. We evicted her.

How so, say i?

I quoth thus: 'We crashed out on the sofa, and she wouldn't leave me alone (this is black girl talking). She kept fondling me. I promptly told her where to get off, but she kept doing it. Then we did some research and found out that she'd been released from a mental home prior to moving into our house.'

I fucked a mental.

As one of my mates put it, 'you do pick 'em.'

Apologies for length, but not that it mattered, she was a mental.
(pacman_40 Pocket Kleenex: for the wanker on the go, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 20:17, Reply)